“If poets were realistic, they wouldn't be poets” Peter Davison, British Actor
I'm going to say it up front – when men complain that they can't please women... they are probably right. Hang on! Before you build a pyre to burn me on as a traitor to my gender... think about it. Do you really think that women do not routinely expect to gain what can't be got? Face facts, women ARE very aspirational creatures. We're not very interested in realism, we do seem to be hard-wired to pitch ourselves at goals that are unobtainable. We can easily visualise what could be and we find it difficult to be satisfied with what is... unlike men.
I once came across an analogy that described the hard-wiring of humanity as divided into 2 types of writer. Men were referred to as the reporters and women as the poets. The thinking behind this was that men apparently are able to see what is and women see what could be. This fundamental difference in hard-wiring it was claimed explains in entirely the difference between the genders.
I have to admit I have come to agree with this rather odd way of looking at things – however it was a long road to get there. Going on the evidence of my eyes I only had to witness men chatting up women in a bar to see the flaws in the idea of men seeing 'what is'. There are men I refer to as “Small dogs climbing onto a high sofa” as they seem oblivious to the idea that the woman they are after is out of their league and you are nothing but amazed when you see them in action. There has to be a certain amount of 'what could be' in the mix when a 6 on the scale approaches a 10. However, putting this bizarre act of non-realism aside – over all I've come to believe that the analogy was probably right.
Trouble is our aspirations are very different from the realism of our daily lives. The end result is that we shape our reality to meet our aspirations then moan with dissatisfaction that our reality doesn't work for us.
Here's a classic.
REALISIM: standard size of average British Woman – 36-28-38 and 5'4” height
ASPIRATION: desirable size of average British Woman – 33-35-35 and 5'8” height
There are stores and on-line services that actually do make clothes that will fit and flatter the realistic shape of the standard British woman. But will we use them? NO. We just don't feel good being realistic. We want the dream. So we go into shops and order from on-line stores that support the aspiration. We buy from them in our millions. (Then diet, or have the clothes altered or wear stilts-shoes so we don't trip on hems that are too long...or simply just have them unworn in cupboard somewhere). Why?
Because something in us makes us pitch our desires at what is not realistic.
Another classic.
REALISIM: 10% of Professional British Women earn in excess of £971 per week
ASPIRATION: 72% of Professional British Women spend in excess of £50,492 per annum
There is no reason why on the average salary of £28,652 for a professional that a British Woman could not lead an attractive life style. But will we do that? NO. We just don't feel good being realistic. Two weeks in the sun kissed town of Cap d'Ail , Monaco is a great way to spend the summer. The choice is 14 nights at the 5* Hotel Eza a snip at £6010pp, or two weeks down the road at the 2* Hotel Miramar comes in at a mere £1610 pp. You'll still be in the same town in the South of France for a fortnight, but who'd even consider Monaco on a budget? It's the same with shopping... Balenciaga lego shoes are £2700, and Steve Madden does copies at £39.99. On a glance no one can tell difference. But we just have to HAVE the 'non-snide' version. WHY?
Because something in us makes us pitch our desires at what is not realistic.
Seems from the off we girlies are setting our sights on the unobtainable. I think as we mature into women, our aspirations continue to be worn visibly. No wonder we want to be a height we can't grown to, a figure our DNA has no blueprint off, a holiday we can't afford and shoes the cost of which are the equivalent of 3 months mortgage payment.
There is something in us that makes us believe that realism is just another word for being negative, and we can be anything we want to be. (Despite compelling evidence to the contrary). And if you don't believe me ask you self why it is you just don't see too many boys with a desire to dress up as royalty, and yet it seems almost routine for girls to present to the world as princesses.
I'm sure this 'poetic' way of looking at the world is hard wired into us females.
Have you noticed the difference in what the kids choose to play with? If you are the parent of a boy under 11 you've probably have recently offered sexual services to the manager of your local Toys R Us in order to secure the Hasbro Tonka Mod Machines. This is the most popular toy for pre secondary school boys. The primary function of this toys is to create a custom style vehicle with a variety of parts and accessories. If you are the parent of a girl under 11 and have not yet secured the Sylvanian Families Regency Hotel you're probably aware that your daughter is suffering social exclusion amongst her peers. This is the most popular toy for pre secondary school girls. The primary function of this toy is to make the model figures move around a magnificent stately manor. If you watch boys play it's all about creating a machine that transforms from street mode to battle mode that moves (and best of all crash!). Watch the girls... they glide the Sylvanian characters around a glamorous location, complete with stained glass windows, working chandelier lights, and staff including a chef.
As the kids got older, the toys they prefer only intensify the difference. Sports and technology based games lead the way for boys and girls would prefer a life size cut out of Jacob Black (from the Twilight series). I jest not at the life-size cut out. My 11 year old niece requested one (all her friends have one!). At £33.99 the damn thing is sold out (even at Amazon)! The second popular choice was a subscription to their favourite magazine, Sugar being the most popular. While I supposed we should applaud the girls for wanted to read rather than play games... when you look at what they are reading, it seems to support the idea of girl aspiring above their situation. Sugar Magazine follows in the tradition laid down by magazines aimed at teenage girls over the decades, looking as it does at the concerns of pre-women. In my day we had Jackie magazine which published a mix of beauty tips, fashion and gossip. Sugar goes a step further focusing on female celebrity and coming with a free magazine full of posters and gossips about boys imaginatively titled “Lads”. (Yup more posters of Jacob Black for the bedroom wall).
Actually, bedroom walls of the teenagers of my acquaintance are very telling. Boys tend to have posters which feature stills from games. Technology boys favour posters from games such as Mafia II or Halo Reach (at time going to press), Sporty boys favour football or rugby stars. Not too many aspirational partners on display.. Girls... well it seem to be either team Jacob or or team Edward (Yep... more Twilight inspired hero worship). I find this rather telling. The boys seem all about what is. What they actually do. They play those games – Mafia II, Halo Reach, Football or Rugby...it's what they do. The girls seem all about what could be. What they aspire to be. They want those things – Jacob Black or Edward Cullen ...it's an aspiration. (Maybe the boys pictures of Miley Cyrus's chest are sellotaped on the inside of the wardrobe away from prying eyes. The boy's tellingly keep their aspirations out of public view.)
We just seem to aspire to what is out of reach rather than what is. Maybe it's our aspiration that drives the human race forward. The males of the species do seem hard-wired to what is realistic rather than what could be. Maybe if we had left it all to the men we'd still be living in caves with our main focus being ensuring we had enough to eat. Maybe it took the hard wiring of the female to drive us onwards to the glittering prizes?
I only think this because like most mothers of teenagers I read the recent report on our nations teenagers aspirations. (Educational Aspirations in UK Schools 2009-2010). Check out my favourite quote :
A boy, who aspired to do something in sport, was sceptical about the relevance of education. He was interested in earning money:’You can’t do much without money’. So would doing well at school help earn money? ‘Depends on what you want to buy’ was his cool response. Meanwhile girl spoke of her future in terms of achieving a good standard of education so she can achieve her aspirations. ‘Nothing can hold you back. When I’ve left school I will be able to follow my dreams. I can be a top business woman while starting a family.’
I can see the boy living out his realistic view of the future, earning a living based upon what he 'wants to buy', living within his means. I want to make it clear I applaud his female counterpart for her poetic view of the future... but somehow I foresee for her a future of juggling to keep all the balls in the air...whilst balancing in a very painful (and expensive)pair of Balenciaga shoes !
So what do women want? Ask the reporters...
Oh that's easy... same as every poet....everything . That's all.
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