Blog 122: Having a BALL

“Partying is such sweet sorrow!” Robert Byrne, Author.

This Saturday – I'm off to a ball. FINALLY an opportunity to really go to town and enjoy a night of unadulterated luxury and glamour! There will be gourmet food, there will be wine a flowing, there will be a legendary line up of bands and top djs and there will even be a funfair. It will be a spectacular evening and the chatter n my crowd is ALL about the ball.

The word ‘ball’ when used to describe a formal party or dance, conjures up images of a bygone era - the rustle of silk gowns and the thud of dancing feet in an opulent, gilded ballroom. In this day and age of clubs and casual wear, it is actually quite exciting to prepare for a formal dance.

Since the 1990's the standard dress code for women has been a pair jeans and a sparkly top. This was welcomed after the over-dressed '80's, a relief from the panic of 'what the hell do I wear', but rapidly became a rut. A sparkly top and jeans could as easily been worn to pick up the weeks groceries as to the opening of the best club in town. Over the past twenty years, 'putting your glad rags on' has become a restricted activity. We just don't seem to do that enough any more.

Invites to a ball indicate a dress code by stating what the men should wear. It will state black tie or white tie. (For those who don't know black tie is the dinner jacket and matching trousers and white tie is the more formal tail coat and wing collar shirt combo). This is a curious tradition as I'm yet to meet a man who will build up a head of steam digging out a DJ (let's face facts it's not the most exciting thing in the world to head down to Moss Bros. and hire a penguin suit) – but for us girls it's a whole different ball-game (intentional pun!)

For women, acceptance of an invite to a ball indicates that she is in possession of a ball gown. This means a full length dress that may or may not be worn with long gloves, a shawl or a stole. Yep... like wearing for a suitable frock isn't enough of a reach (when we are schooled in jeans and sparkly tops) we also have (with our changeable climate) to commit to going out without a coat!

However, women love to shop... so reach or not, it's the kind of challenge most women lap up, after all it's simple. Select one dress and accessories from an array of materials, textures, colours and lengths. Choose a design with or without sequins, beads or lace embellishments. Find something that will indicate to the world that you understand couture and can deliver it with a refreshing elegance that is both vibrant and trendy. Oh... and after all (as none of my friends have Sarah Jessica Parker's contacts or shopping budget)... do so without breaking the bank. It's very simple, one frock that epitomises effortless feminine chic. (and don't forget the bag, the shoes, and the accessories including the shawl or stole)

Suddenly shopping for a ball gown does not seem as much fun as it first appeared. Over the past weeks it has been hilarious to note the Facebook status's of my friends who are also attending the ball. The trauma of shopping for the event is creeping in to even the most level headed of women!

The first thought was to do what the guys are doing... rent something.

Now this makes sense... ball dresses (no matter what your granny says) can only be worn once. Balls by their nature are not routine events, so rather like weddings, everybody takes a camera to record the event - and more to the point what everyone looked like in their finery. Who wants to be wearing the same dress in every set of photos from every ball? Ball gowns are expensive by nature... and also ball dresses take up a lot of wardrobe space – unless you have Paris Hilton's wardrobe... who has the space to store them? Rental seems to be the answer to all three of these problems.

Going into a hire shop for an evening gown is second only to buying a bridal dress in the amount of attention lavished on you. Shops like One Night Stand are terrific providing dresses for as it says...the one night. They even do alterations to ensure the dress fits you snug as a bug. Plus the cost of hiring a dress, (£85 - £250 per night) is a complete bargain if the dress you desire costs £000's... BUT. Unless you are made of money – the dress is only yours on the night of the event. Thus your time to work out accessories and hair and make up are restricted to that night only. Thus rather than pampering yourself and doing girly things like hair and nails on the day of the ball – you are rushing round like a blue arsed fly trying to get a look together. Who wants to turn up at the event knackered?! But face facts it has to be done...”One dress does not an outfit make” (as my mother wisely once told me).

The worse thing about hiring a dress is the dress is not yours so you must keep it pristine. Hard to do when you are enjoying yourself, but you'd better not get the dress dirty or torn. Any form of damage and you will find your account charged with a repair or replacement fee up to the full value of the dress. Balls are formal so their will be a sit down dinner. This is England. There WILL be gravy. The fear demonstrated by the peril of food stains almost immediately reveals the fact the dress is not yours, thus killing the glamour of a dress costing 000's. This is to say nothing of the fact that This is England ...it rains and we have a smoking ban. The most interesting people always seem to be smokers, so even the non smokers follow them outside while they indulge their habit... and in a full length gown... you WILL get mud on your hem. I'm not even going to mention the perils of one of those “most interesting people” getting a burn hole in said frock. And if you wish to go skinny dipping in the moonlight.... keep an eye on the location of the frock...hire companies are ruthless should a dress become lost!

Besides as my g/f's Facebook status's indicate... the same designs turn up at almost every hire company – no one wants to risk having someone else at the ball in the same frock. So most have abandoned the whole rental fiasco (though fear of gravy will clearly indicate who is telling porkies on the night!)

Which brings us to purchasing for real.

With the British High Street committed to keeping us all in Sparkly tops and Jeans... the first port of call was the internet.

There are not many reasons I can think of why being a US citizen is superior to being a UK one... but the internet is certainly on that very short list. They have a much better choice. Sites like Light in the Box very much lead the way, but here in blighty sites like Ball Gown Heaven and Minx do give a wide selection of frocks... though you can clearly see the market they aim at is a little high school prom night meets footballers wife! Fairy Goth Mother though was a revelation with the sexiest and most unusual ball gowns... no chance of bumping into someone in the same frock. BUT. Buying things from a picture. It's all a little Freeman's Catalogue 1978! You just know the disappointment is going to be packaged up with the dress as it plops on your doormat. It's never the same. Even though the “interweb” is so much more sophisticated than those old big books, and features 360 view and even videos of the gowns in motion... the dresses aren't on YOU till you get them.

The worse thing about buying a dress of the internet is waiting for it, getting it, realising it isn't quite right.... then having to package it up and send it back then panicking that they haven't yet taken it off your statement! While you try on and reject and try on again loads of precious time is eaten up by the postal system. And don't even think that when you finally find a gown you like that you can use a internet purchased dress as an unofficial hire.... they've thought of that! Internet companies have got wise to this practice and now attach a label attached to the hem saying “REMOVAL OF/WEAR AND TEAR/ DAMAGE TO THIS LABEL WILL INVALIDATE OUR RETURNS POLICY”. Dam!... Freeman's Catalogue must have grassed us all up!

So this means the shops it is.

Of course the high street are uninterested in formal attire... but there is one high street exception... TX Maxx. Designer labels for less and a HUGE commitment to occasion wear. The retailer specialises in selling "last season's" designer clothes from names such as Stella McCartney and Alexander McQueen at up to 60 per cent discount. It's kind of a designer version of Primark. Which means one thing...ELBOWS!!! No two way thing about it... TX Maxx is a jumble sale. Designer jumble yes... but a jumble sale none the less. Clothes are just ramped up together on racks with the only demarcation being what part of the body the clothing covers. You will be hit in the face by your fellow shoppers elbows as they too search for a bargain. Also...it's hit or miss if you'll ever find your size. My g/f's Facebook status say it all: “ Found it! Beautiful dress...perfect for the ball...available only in size 0 or size 22...what to do...starve or binge?!”

This leaves the only choice... BOUTIQUE shopping. **shudder**

Boutiques were normal back in the 1960's. Little shops that were owner operated that sold a selection of on off clothing to a discerning shopper who had not the budget for Bond Street but the need for something individual. Staff in these shops were knowlegeable and welcoming and made special occasion shopping at total joy. Given that a boutique by definition is a small shopping outlet that specialises in elite and fashionable items it sounds like the ideal solution. Except. The staff in these shops feel that they are a cut above normal retail staff and act like the stock are their precious children! Also they insist that it is NOT a shop, but a “luxurious showroom”. The staff tend to be free with advice (even if you don't request it) and can react badly if you choose an outfit they feel you do not deserve. Again I hand you over to the wise words on a g/f Facebook status. “The shop assistant was so unimpressed by me buying the ball dress she looked as if she would have thrown a Naomi Campbell should a phone have been to hand”.

But. It is now Tuesday. The ball is on Saturday. All but one of our party has got their outfits. We survived.

On Saturday night the traumas of hiring, interneting, high street and boutique shopping will be behind us. The guys will glide into their black tie ensembles and the girls will be melted down and poured into confections of taffeta, lace, chiffon and organza.

And dressed elegantly and stylishly we shall arrive at the event.... and get royally pissed! After all... the whole point is that on Saturday night we all should be ...Having a BALL!!!

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