BLOG 115: BMX boys and LIDO girls

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."-Henry Youngman British-born comedian and violinist

I used to think that, love and romance was existing in a vacuum and pretending the outside world did not exist. The facts seemed to support that notion. You’d meet someone special and they’d envelope you and make you feel that you were part of some magic enchanted world. It was everything that normal life was not, and there would be plenty of time for the hum drum routine later. I looked at my friends setting down and thought they were missing out – especially if they made their choice to settle down early. Imagine being married at 18 and a parent before 20… all the stuff you’d miss out on– unpredictability, trendy nightclubs, nightly sex. Why trade that in for routine, responsibility and companionship.

David and Janet met when me and my mates came out of the Lido one hot summer. He cycled up and asked her out. One minute she was walking down the road with him while he pushed his bike and the next she was walking down the aisle. I remember being at their wedding thinking how Jan looked like a little girl dressing up as she posed for her wedding pictures. It seemed unreal to me that anyone would do something as radical as getting married just at the point that the rest of us were setting off for University. It seemed daft for anyone with such good A’ levels to trade them in for a life of domesticity.

So Jan got married, and the rest of us scattered to the four winds as we began life’s great adventure. Decades have rolled on since Jan’s wedding. Jan has had many children and I have had many enchanted worlds. I had no idea how Jan felt about her life but I certainly don’t regret any of mine and I have really loved the life I have lived. To be honest I have given Jan and Dave little thought beyond the annual Christmas card ritual. That was until an invitation to their “Under the Sea” themed party invite to celebrate their Pearl Wedding Anniversary plopped on my mat.

Well, it was a lovely occasion (okay the Pearl theme was a little OTT – but hey Little Mermaid was the film that saved Disney!). Jan and Dave are looking at going into middle age with children off their hands (their youngest is now mid twenties). The kids all seem to have done well for themselves, though notably none have followed in their parents’ footsteps of marrying young. The years of being together and raising four children didn’t seem to have taken much toll as Jan and Dave and seemed almost as sickeningly in love and cohesive as they did at 17.

There is nothing like someone else’s landmarks to make you reflect on your own. Having never made it past the 15 year mark with the same person, I asked them how on earth they did 30 years. Day after Day with the same person – how do they continue to survive the ups and downs of a relationship without saying as I have – “It’s not worth it, I need to go”. They looked at me with surprise as if they’d been asked something strange.

After a second or two to collect herself, Jan said “We don’t really have ups and downs. When I look at David I still see that boy with the BMX who asked me to go for a walk with him. He’s never tried to change me or make me feel I could be anything better than who I am. I like the person I am when I’m with my husband. There is no one in the world whose company I enjoy more than his. He’s the centre of my world, my reason for being. The only time I feel bad when I’m with him is when I imagine what my life would be like without him”

I was flabbergasted and some what relieved when David smiled and said his wife was sentimental and possibly drunk. But then he added

“But seriously, I often think that we were just lucky to meet so young – I think it’s good that we met before life gave us too much luggage. I’ve never lost sight of the fact that Janet’s smile is the thing that makes me most happy. That’s my goal in life – to keep seeing that smile. So many couples forget to have fun, to just muck about and make each other smile. And as for the kids… I know people thought we were mad having so many so young, but I think people make such a big performance out of having kids. They just add kids to their great big list of things to worry about… they forget to enjoy them”

“Yes” chimed in Jan. “People let the bumps in the journey worry them, but they are just bumps…not the final destination. We’ve had tantrums, tears, visits to casualty, other parents to apologise to, bad school reports… more dramas than a soap! But we never let that bother us because we know we have good kids and whatever happened in the future things would work out for them as long as we enjoyed them. And we have, every moment we enjoyed them and loved them unconditionally – and we told them they’d be fine… and look at them now!”

And that was that really.

I had an enjoyable evening eating their food, drinking their booze and dancing to tunes I hadn’t heard in decades…. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BRASS CONSTRUCTION???... (man that took me back!) It was nice to catch up, realise I am STILL aging better than most of my contemporaries (oh well what can I say I’m SHALLOW). And it was nice to see that love can last.

But what I took away from the party (Other than sore feet, and a hangover from HELL)…was that Jan and Dave had cottoned on to something that seemed to have escaped the rest of us.

Life is simple.

The rest of us seem to look for convoluted solutions to straight forward challenges. No wonder we tie ourselves in knots we cannot unravel and are left with the only solution of cutting the links.

Jan and Dave figured out long ago that if you just make it your goal to make your partner smile and also make it your goal to enjoy your children…. and can stop trying to fix things that don’t need fixing and allow the journey to take place… you will have cause to celebrate as you arrive at the destination.

How did the rest of us miss that?

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