BLOG 81: The Great Shoe Analogy

“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” Imelda Marcos, notorious shoe lover and widow of ousted dictator of The Philippines

I was very disheartened to hear that the shoe genius that is Stuart Weitzman, has cancelled his million dollar shoe at the Oscars this year. For those who don’t know, this designer produces shoes with millions of dollars of jewels on them to go down the red carpet. When I was last in Los Angeles I had the fortune to be up close and personal with one of his creations and to say I had died and gone to heaven was an understatement. You see, like most of my gender, Jax has a deep and meaningful relationship with the garments of the foot. I do hope Mr Weitzman will have a change of heart.

I have often said that shoes provide one of life’s great analogies. If life gives you an amazing outfit it’s not enough…it needs something at the base to protect your vulnerable feet. Shoes represent something other than footwear to me… see if you can work it out before the end of the blog.

Isn’t odd that nature made it neigh on impossible to function barefoot? In a world of so many landscapes, about the only one that work with foot au natural is the beach! Feet are vulnerable to heat, cold, uneven surfaces and spiky objects. Face facts… we need shoes.

What we all really need is a comfortable slipper. Something you can slip into with ease that will keep your feet warm and toasty, cause you no pain and allow you to get on with what you have to do without holding you back. (Do not try hoovering in a pair of kitten heel ostrich feather trimmed mules… it cannot be done!)

Oh yes, slippers come in all shapes and sizes and some are even darn right glamorous. But face fact, slippers are great in the house but none but the really self assured (or barking mad) would actually go out in them.

So, nine times out of ten – if you are looking to impress on the other side of your doorstep, what you go for is a sparkly pair of sandals. It’s the fast track to being the envy of all your mates. They are dazzling on or off the foot, and my goodness when they are on they make you look amazing. Not only do they finish off your outfit with aplomb, suddenly you are taller, you have an elegant posture and you feel like a supermodel.

Of course the amazing sparkly sandal is not without drawbacks. It’s not a natural shape – always narrower that your actual foot. They near enough always come with a crippling heel. Wear a pair of sparkly sandals too long and sooner or later being barefoot will become a better option. (But hey, they still look good when you’re carrying them!)

There are loads of options that lie in between the comfortable slipper and the sparkly sandal. But when you go for one of those… there is always some girl who turns up in the sparkly sandal and you’ll be jealous or there will be some self assured woman who turns up in comfortable slippers and you’ll envy her confidence. Then you’ll look at your in between option and feel slightly dissatisfied with your choice.

Sure, you could go barefoot… but life is unfortunately not a beach and it’s expected of you to have shoes. (Even if you are just carrying them!)

Shoes are always the source of much pleasure and much uncertainty.

You don’t have to be Carrie in Sex and The City to be aware of the great pleasure involved in buying a pair of shoes. There is something decadent about whole process… as well as a certain amount of foot lingerie or outright foot nudity. Sliding your stockinged or bare foot into the unfamiliar surface of a new shoe is quite seductive enough without the unspoken promise shoes offer of a brighter future. It’s head turning stuff!

Of course, the first wearing is an assault course of adjustment (if not out and out pain)! But over time, your feet give a little, the shoes give a little and the whole thing is working out. Eventually though you begin to take them for granted and they start letting you down… and the thrill has gone. No one compliments your shoe choice anymore – in fact some even can’t believe you still are wearing those shoes! You downgrade the shoes to everyday wear; they will never see the insides of anywhere special in your life again. Fashion enviably changes and you will start looking at other shoes.

Shoes are strange things. You can never tell they are the wrong pair… until they are the only pair you have.

There is nothing like being abroad to know for sure that the shoes you packed are entirely wrong for your needs.

In these days of low cost airlines where you have to pay extra to have luggage in the hold, you are supposed travel light. Just one small, lightweight case you can put in the overhead lockers.

By their very nature, shoes take up far too much room. Either aerospace design is wrong or shoes design is wrong. Maybe planes should be just that bit wider so the overhead lockers could hold a slightly longer case? Or maybe shoes should be collapsible? Either way a carry-on case is just not big enough to carry a decent choice of shoes. These things are designed to be big enough for you to carry a decent choice of outfits, accessories and all your cosmetics but however you work it only one pair of shoes is getting in that case. You just have to pray that your footwear balances up your careful selected clothing.

But nine out of ten times – despite the fact you have rehearsed every outfit with them before you packed… once abroad, you will have a sneaky feeling that all your outfits would have looked better with any of the pairs you didn’t choose to bring. But your choice was limited; you had to pick one. Of course you could have paid to have a bigger case in the hold – but that means you have to check it in, collect it at the other end and a load of other hassles. So you paid your money for the carry on option and you made your choice. But somehow – even knowing the other option was not for you…you feel a better choice escaped you.

It’s not just on holiday that shoes take up far too much room – they do so at home too.

You think you’ll just kick them off, so you can lounge on the sofa and watch the soaps. You’ve had to deal with them all day would be a good thing to be barefoot for a while. And it is for about five minutes. Then you notice them… just lying there disguarded in the middle of the rug. It starts to get on your nerves… they are just there demanding attention. So you HAVE to pick them up and deal with them. Thing is you can’t just drape shoes on the back of a chair or push shoes to the side… they have to be put away properly otherwise they are just a hazard waiting to trip someone up.

But that’s not all... shoes always require maintenance. Don’t matter how amazing the shoe… it will need re-soleing or re-heeling sooner or later and it can’t do it itself. You could try to get away with wearing them when they are past their prime… but it always shows. If you wanna keep wearing them then you have ensure the maintenance happens, unless you want the world to see that you have low standards.

Of course, shoes really struggle to suit all circumstances. You find a pair that you think can take you from day to night… but somehow they are too flashy for daytime, too conservative for evening or too clunky for nightime. What the hell happened? They seemed perfect in the shop!

It’s the same with terrains… the walking shoes let in water, the office courts snap their heels on the escalator, the strappy sandals buckle breaks (but only on one foot), even the slippers sole parts company with the toes. Is there no footwear that can last the course?

I guess not… maybe they just protect your feet for while, then wear out. Maybe shoes were designed to be worn, enjoyed and replaced. But then what do you do with all those shoes that no longer thrill you?

Sometimes, passing your shoes on to someone else is the answer.

My sister had a fabulous pair of patent sling backs that she just could not get on with. She tried bless her, but they made her feet look fat and the sling back would never stay on her heel. So she gave them to me. They haven’t let me down yet. But then, I wear them differently. Maybe that’s the key to getting the most out of your shoes… try wearing them differently.

You may think you can go barefoot and you know what you probably can. But shoes are there first and foremost to protect your feet, and I really don’t think they get enough credit for that job.

I think we all get caught up in the fashion, the sparkle, the glamour, the expense… and we forget what shoes are for.

They are there face down in the shit we don’t want to put our feet in.

In return, they ask for a little bit of give so they can wrap around our feet properly and YES… that will cause a bit of pain in the process. They also ask for regular maintenance so that they can keep looking good and thrilling us (and our mates) like they did when we first came across them. They also have to be put away properly if we want to go barefoot for a while cause they just get in the way and cause chaos otherwise. But if you really have a pair that ain’t working for you… give them away … it may not be the shoe…it just might be your foot.

But always remember… if you have feet… you are always free to shop for shoes.

You got it yet?

Shoes are the best analogy for men I have ever come across.

And like Carrie… I totally LOVE the shoe! (but quick note to self: Stop going for those glamorous sparkly sandals.. you absolutely ALWAYS end up carrying them!)

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