BLOG 62 - Ain't Misbehaving....

“The best way to behave… is to misbehave” Mae West, Movie star Extraordinaire

I’m not recommending it. I’m sure not validating it. I want to make that clear. But I don’t understand why we find it so hard to accept that for some women, being the ‘other woman’ is the only viable option.

I know I know… it’s a terrible betrayal of your gender to have a relationship with someone else’s man. And when there are kids involved it’s even worse. But what if the agenda is not to destroy what already exists but to run along side quietly and invisibly… that what ever the two people doing this thing, just take what they get from it and go back to their lives somewhat better for the experience?

There are societies who turn a blind eye to this kind of infidelity, encourage it almost – including ours. In Renaissance Europe, it was customary for royal couples to lead separate lives — commonly marrying simply to preserve bloodlines and to secure political alliances — men and women would often seek gratification and companionship from people living at court. In fact, the verb "to court" originally meant "to be or reside at court", and later came to mean "to behave as a courtier" and then "to pay amorous attention to somebody".

However we seem to have forgotten our history and picked up the puritanical streak from our cousins over the pond. Seems we forgot why it was we encouraged that lot to board the Mayflower! We now insist that courting is not so much about amour and more about commitment. However, with commitment not working out for the vast majority of the populace, some of the old fashioned meanings of the word courtship has returned.

The unavailable man is very attractive to women who do not want to be committed to a man. Anyway, once you’ve done it all the right way for decades and it all came to nothing… it’s very hard to even consider putting yourself through all that again. But the option of a life without male attention and more to the point sex is rather too high a price to pay.

But what is in it for him… after all he has a lot to lose. Well firstly and simply it’s not just about the sex. It’s more about nostalgia. He is very aware that the romantic choices he has made means that he no longer runs his own life. He used to come and go as he pleased; he watched or played footie whenever he wanted. He lived his own lifestyle. He could have his woman with him whenever he wanted and she would pay all of her attention to him. But that’s all past tense, now he has responsibilities, a mortgage, a job he has because it pays the most, not because it satisfies him. His woman now has to divide her time between him, and everything they took on together also. On paper he has gained more… but inside he feels like he lost a lot. He wants to feel the joy of conquest once more. He wants to feel like he is doing something for him.

When a man feels like this he is ripe for an affair. And when a man meets a woman who is sexy, confident, in control of her life but so not looking for a commitment, he knows he will make a move. He watches the available fellas take the knock backs and bides his time ready to stake his claim.

But what normally happens is that the subject of this storm of the battlements usually says no.

It is the one of the last taboos… women know it is not right in societies eyes to have any kind of secret relationship with a man, be it emotional, physical… or even cyber. Yeah, there are predatory females out their who will deliberately chase an unavailable man – but they are rare.

Most women who end up in a relationship with an unavailable man, said no at the beginning.

So why do they end up doing it?

Because there is nothing that makes a man feel more like a man than when he is in conquest mode… and no one does conquest mode like an unavailable man. Unlike his available brothers, he is not in a hurry, the seduction is as much a prize as the act. He’ll take years if he has to. He also has an unwitting assistant in the person he is committed to, who no doubt will moan endlessly about his short coming and what it REALLY takes to make a woman happy. He’ll use this information well – unfortunately not on her.

Following such a relentless pursuit, the woman who says no... says maybe. Which is all it needs to turn the no to a yes.

On saying yes she discovers that she did not burst into flame or be dragged to hell by satan's minions. In fact a multitude of unexpected benefits are bestowed. She quickly discovers that being with an unavailable man isn’t all negatives – especially if her life is pretty full and enriching though clearly manless.

Just at the point where the lack of male attention in her life starts to be something she should address...He pops up. He is not asking you to create a space in your life for him… just leave a tiny gap which he promises he will leave clutter free and vacate regularly. The offer sounds less upheaval than taking on a full on relationship… and to be honest sporadic attention is all you really need – like topping up oil and water in a car.

In addition to sating the need for sporadic attention, he can provide sex, usually at regular intervals… going back to the car analogy it doesn’t hurt to keep the engine and body work serviced. Unlike a partner of her own there is little price to pay for this… she won't have to live with him, which means no snoring, picking up after him, and she doesn’t have to ask permission to come and go as she pleases.

When she talks she is fascinating, he’ll actually listen as the pressure is off to be a solution provider. Also he doesn’t see her that often so what she has to say IS actually news. Because he is aware that such arrangements are temporary by nature, he’ll be relaxed in a way he could never be with a woman he has a formal commitment to. Men laugh more with the other woman.

An unavailable man will work harder than any available man to make a woman have a good time with him. He will be more charming, loving, attentive and wonderful than a woman can imagine that any man can be. Of course this is purely because he is acting up. He is trying to recapture his studly days (where he was probably never as suave) but she will reap the benefit.

Having an affair with an unavailable man suits a lot of women at some stage in their lives. It is fun, it is flattering, it is the most wonderful way of rebuilding damaged self-confidence, and it gives the woman a great sense of her own power.

What is on offer is some of his time, his attention, his company and his body. It has to be clear from the start that it will be over if either of person falls in love. He already has that else where and she entered this because falling in love is exactly what she doesn’t have time for. The whole thing should be kept light.

And because it is kept light, he need not assume that fidelity is something you are practicing either. The unwritten rules are of course:

• Don’t ask
• Never Complain
• Never Explain

It’s all about two people consenting to enjoy and indulge each other.

But let’s get this straight. Being in a relationship with an unavailable man is ONLY for women who are NOT seeking a committed relationship. The reason why so many end up burnt is that they miss the simple fact… the man is UNAVAILABLE. It’s the unavailability that is the insurance policy that commitment is not and should never be on the table as an option

Like I said at the start - I’m not recommending it I’m sure not validating it. I want to make that clear. But relationships with unavailable men are an option for many women. Providing everyone sticks to the rules.

However, it should be said that a woman in this situation should not panic too much if he does say the L word… after all; the basic qualification for his role is being a man who can get away with lying to women!

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