BLOG 55: Little Gals Dreams

“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” Amy Bloom, American Novelist and Screenwriter

Blame Wedding Sindy. This flat chested, horse riding British version of Barbie came with a whole wedding ensemble. I find it amazing that long before little girls have mastered basic motor skills – they are able to dress 13 inches of plastic in a long white frock and make a welcome line up from teddy bears and gonks.

It seems everyone I know had a perfect wedding planned since they were 8. By the time they were teens, the only thing missing from most of my pals plans was the groom. Needless to say before Uni was barely over, the endless procession of weddings began.

Once the solitaire was on the finger, my friends could to a woman suddenly produce scrapbooks full of cut outs and notes. It became increasingly clear that not only every little girl had dreamt of her wedding… she was taking notes. Long before Mr Right had popped the question, she knew exactly how her big day will be, what her dress will look like and had gone over it in her mind a million times before it actually comes to pass.

I was not one of those little girls. But then maybe I was not one of those little girls because I thought that it was all about a man asking and a woman agreeing to enter, into matrimony. For me it was all about a Marriage with all the legal, social, emotional, economical, spiritual, and religious connotations that go with it. Being the independent type that I am, I have never even had a passing thought that marriage would remotely be a suitable choice for me.

Besides, I traded my Sindy doll for a Hornby No.2 junction signal, 0-gauge, for my tin-plate steam trains. Maybe I was too busy running the Jax World Express to get my wedding portfolio done.

However, my distinct lack of a scrapbook of lace and Times wedding notices did not disclude me from being a wedding guest. I’m not anti-marriage.

I think it is incredible when friends enter into a commitment such as Marriage. To have found someone who loves you so much that they want to wake up every morning of their life next to you… pretty major. Just because doing so it is not for me, does not mean I poo poo the institution.

In fact, on any given Saturday, when the weather is less hostile, you can find me in a new dress that was bought for one reason. Well two (!) – second being it’ll look great in the soon-to-be-flaunted Facebook nuptial pictures.

One unexpected benefit of being pulled into the vortex of other peoples celebrations of union, is a ringside seat to observe a whole heap of things. Things that only those who have not been crazed by decades of dreaming of the OPD (one perfect day) can see.

Something happens to the newly proposed to. Something bizarre takes place whereby The Marriage gets forgotten and all that I am going to hear about … is A Wedding .

The man has asked you to spend every day of the rest of your life with him… and all you can talk to me about are the arrangements for the ceremonial kick off day. Forget the lifetime commitment all you care about is your OPD.

I sometimes wonder if just half the focus that was put into the wedding went into the marriage if the following figures would tell a happier story.

In the UK – 58% of marital unions fail. 249,227 couples went down the aisle last year. 143,818 filed for divorce. With the average wedding costing around £10,000 that's a waste of £1.4 billion. Unfortunately there is no calculus for the heartbreak and stress caused. Depressing or not, it is a tribute to the optimism of the human heart that this year again almost a quarter of a million UK couples will walk the aisle.

But I do just wish that the focus of these couple will be on the fact that they are about to enter into a till death contract with someone... but I suspect like most couples before them… it will all be on the OPD.

Sometimes I just want to take my friends by the shoulders and shake them till they realise that the OPD ….IT’S JUST A PARTY! True they are celebrating a major milestone in lives life, and yes they get to dress up, get pressies and be the centre of attention… but please get a grip!

When a couple is getting married there is so much focus on how SHE will look on that OPD. My friends inform me it’s for that one moment when HE sees her walk down the aisle towards him. This obsession seems a little strange to me.

Firstly… it’s a dress. Honestly, it’s JUST a dress… it’s a piece of material. GET OVER IT!! I don’t care if it is an eggshell-white creation spun from flawless organza…it’s a dress. The reverence around these frocks seems a little odd. Normally you go shopping and find the dress you desire and buy it if it fit well and looks good. I appreciate this time you are buying a dress that will be much photographed, but why have you forgotten a key point. Surely given your intended found you appealing enough to ask the big question - you are attractive as you are. So why is it the only dress you can find is one that you have to change all your dimensions for - just to get in it. The run up to your wedding should be one of the happiest periods of your life. But instead, in the lead up to the OPD, you are living on ginger ale and grapefruit and are needless to say in a fowl mood with everyone. Is ANY frock worth it?

When a couple are preparing for a wedding, they seem to forget that they already have music taste. They start buying albums of ‘Our Tunes’ to find a first dance tune and go off auditioning bands and DJ’s for the evening reception. The end result is music that is entirely non representative of the couple whose union I have been invited to. This to me seems bizarre.

“If music be the food of love play on”…. So said the great Will. Music is important it captures a time and place. Just hearing a tune can take you back to a moment. And yet… say the word wedding… and my mates are booking Funky Bernard and His Wheels of Steel. It’s your OPD… and the backing track is “Come on Eileen” and “Hi Ho Silver Lining”??? You know that if you were on a night out and either tune came on you would be asking the management for a refund as you beat a hasty retreat. But say ‘Wedding’ and suddenly this dirge becomes traditional? Why if this is your OPD isn’t the music the backing track that actually occurred during your relationship?

When a couple is getting married there starts an obsession about what to serve for the ‘wedding breakfast’… which is apparently the correct term for the first meal served after nuptials. My friends start trying menus of food they would normally never consider and start finding as many different ways of presenting the food in novelty shapes. This to me seems extremely odd.

Incidentally, I don’t care if the etiquette books call it a wedding breakfast… if I’m getting a meal after a wedding ceremony that ain’t no breakfast. You say breakfast, it better be before noon and I want bacon! However, I get it I do… you are entertaining people for a whole day and therefore you must feed them. But it’s just food…and food should be identifiable. This is not the time to be feeding people obscure delicacies. It may well look pretty on the plate, but if the vows are at three and the ‘wedding breakfast’ is at 6… slivers of swan shaped liked church bells ain’t gonna stop me slipping out to Mc D’s while your Dad gives his 3hr speech about how cute you were as a child. Why can’t people keep the food real…? I know you know what real food is, you’ve had me over for dinner enough times. And yet I have met so many wedding escapees in fast food joints, surely the whole point of the day is to keep everyone present to witness your OPD?

When the rock is on the finger, you are no longer from your own life apparently. There is not one building that the two of you entered during your relationship that will do as a backdrop to saying your vows. An agonistic will suddenly start attending a cult providing it meets in a pretty church with photogenic portcullis, and a city dweller will feel an infinity to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Now this may be just because when you lot were making Wedding Sindy marry Big Ted, I was adjusting my Hornby rolling stock and missed out… so forgive me… but isn’t a wedding just saying some vows followed by a party?

How is it that celebrating the union of two people turns into fantasy of massive proportions? If you are not religious, why are you in a church? If you are not royalty why are you in a castle? I just don’t get why so little of the setting around nuptials represents the actual people taking the vows. Yes, I get it that country churches ARE pretty and I do get it that no one wants to say their vows in a tower block in the East End, but having 200 non religious friends feeling desperately uncomfortable and miming to hymns is just silly. And regarding Jacobean Castles…for once I would like to put down my glass of vino without getting a bill for removal of rings from wood furniture in a grade II listed building.

When a wedding is coming, invariably so is the kind of debt that makes a student loan look like borrowing next weeks pocket money. I find it amazing that people enter into a legal contract to provide for another and the very same day they are wilfully blowing thousands of pounds on ‘ambiance’ of a party. A party to celebrate the union is one thing… but a huge financial burden to take into your new life seems a little crazy to me. Surely this money would be better invested in ensuring a secure financial foundation to your new life?

A couple of years back, I went to a spectacular wedding. First, we watched a strapless white silk gown made of at least 200 metres of fabric with a frilled, three-metre train go down the aisle of a country church in Essex. Later at location in Westcliffe on Sea, everyone got an individual photo taken with the bride and groom. The bride and her 5 bridesmaids had costume changes for the reception (thankfully the photos of these were taken while we were eating). In case you were still unsure of whose day it was, behind the top table was a 3m x 3m photo of the happy couple. On the subject of grub I think there must have been at least 300- 400 people to feed. Whilst we were eating the videographer went to every table and everyone recorded a message for the newly weds. There were three live bands, one for the ceremony, another played while we ate and a final lot turned up for the dancing. I won’t mention the 5 tier wedding cake nor the £2500 spent on flowers, but I do believe there was little change out of 100 grand when all was said and done. A year in the planning, from the invites and order of service that co-ordinated with the tableware to the doves that were set free from the pier … and for what? To impress 300-400 people of which more than half the couple will never see again. I know this as they filed for divorce this summer.

It was the old story of having spent more on the wedding than they did on the marriage. The unexpected change to the global economy meant the bank they were so gainfully employed at folded. This left them both unemployed, and up to their eyeballs in post-wedding debt. And as is often quoted… “When debt comes through the door… love goes out the window”.

Which returns me to my original point. One Perfect Day is a wonderful fantasy. It is the stuff of fairy tales. It’s not real. It is the stuff of little girl’s games when they dress up their dolls.

BUT if you are lucky enough to find someone who wishes to make a public declaration that they want to be yours till death…Surely the focus should be on the fact you are about to enter into a till death contract with that person. Surely you should be planning for a LIFETIME ahead – not just one perfect day.

I love a wedding. Just because I’ll never wed doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being a part of the celebrations when my friends and family do. It is a truly joyous thing when two people find that they wish to spend the rest of their lives together and are prepared to stand up before the world and declare that they do. I just think that a little planning for that lifetime ahead would probably prove to be a much valued investment.

Yes the day you sign that contract should be happy one. Yes, you should wear something special. Yes, you should have all the people who contributed to your lives and relationships around you to witness this momentous commitment. Yes, you should celebrate. But to lose track of the fact it is only the FIRST day of the rest of your life is just asking to have that day eclipsed by all the other days to come.

Everyone is so angry and disappointed when a marriage doesn’t work out. A day that was the focus of all your dreams becomes a day you never wish to be reminded of. Which is a great pity considering all the investment that went into it. We all want to look back and remember with you your one perfect day

Besides… I hate having to delete wedding pictures off Facebook when the dress I bought for your big day, really rocked the joint!

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