Blog 27: They Have to be told

They HAVE to be told

“Ever since the world began, it's been that way for man” From the song TELL HIM by The Exciters (Lyrics/Music : Bert Russell)

Another week in which I have had to put the kettle on get out the Scottish shortbread and listen to one of my male friends who cannot understand why on earth their significant other seems to be disgruntled with the way the relationship is going. I am amazed how many males of my acquaintance are sometimes gob-smacked that they have found themselves in the one night stand zone, or dumped after months of dating and have no idea how they got there. They sit expecting sympathy and moan to me “I just don’t get HOW that happened – I thought she and I were at the start of something good there”. It seems to be a mystery to some men why it is that the object of their affections would rather go it alone, or settle for someone else – than wait for the men in question to supply the relationship they wanted to be in.

I have to admit the kettle has been on a fair few times (chocolate hob nobs though) for my girlfriends who tell me that they are simply so tired of the strange guide book that men follow when dealing with us. With most of us entering the dating pit at 15, we’ve been there that many times there is really little need to invest a whole chunk of time waiting for the other person to just ‘call it’. When did all get so difficult? Nature was actually quite fair with us women – we have from 15-35 to find a male, settle and procreate. That is two whole decades! And yet as my limited supply of chocolate hob nobs will testify, many of my friends (at 35) still have not got beyond stage one. By the time they get to stage three – it’s a rather expensive and often heartbreaking route to procreation. My girlfriends are mystified at why it is they too are not where they want to be – relationship wise.

Of course dispensing advance and blame is a multi million pound industry. The bookshelves of most shops groan with the weight of relationship books – like Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus. While the media dispenses blame saying, that they know the reason for this lack of settling down. Apparently, women are so focused on their careers from 21- 35 that they simply do not have coupling on the agenda so the poor men have nothing else to do but bed hop till they are pushing 40 – by which time a woman of suitable age will be available... but her eggs will be a little troublesome.

Absolute piffle! Shall I blow the lid of this myth? Of course I ruddy will. How many women with ‘absorbing careers’ do you ACTUALLY know? I have many friends with jobs they quite like, I have many friends who intend to continue to have a job after having children, but I don’t have ONE who would trade a meaningful relationship for a name plate on a door in an office. You see - we are rather in tune with the circle of life – we know that death – like taxes- is a certainty and there ain’t ONE tombstone in the graveyard that reads “Much missed Employee”. Yes economic independence is important to us BUT we know in the final analysis you life is about what your existence meant to people – and not the people in the office, but the people who loved you.

This knowledge is not unique to women. I don't know any one romantic enough to believe Love conquers all. In fact Love may not conquer much but it does help make the armour we all need to face our battles. Men know this and Women know this. My teapot and biscuits are a testament to how having a significant other is important to both genders.

So, if I am saying I have male friends who want a relationship but they can’t get them off the ground, and I have female friends who want a relationship but can’t get them off the ground – what on earth do I think is going on then?

Well quite frankly – I think there is a HUGE communication problem. Which seems odd in this multi media age – where one has a multitude of ways of contacting someone! But technological advances seem to have done nothing to ensure both genders have smooth passage to the happy world of coupledom. The problem is two fold. Firstly there is a problem with using the technology available to get a relationship of the ground. The second problem is of course the quality of what is being said.

From the moment after the first spark is kindled… it all starts going wrong as THE PHONE GAME, is the platform from which a modern relationship will be launched.

Here’s the average scenario… Mr May-be-Right meets a member of the female of the species and believes he is interested in being something other than just a friend or an acquaintance. The female is lead to this belief by a series of courtship rituals that usually contain the singling out of that female for attention from that male. There will also be some physical actions that may contain all or some of the following, mirroring of body language, sensual touching, kissing and in more extreme cases some if not all of the sex act itself. The male of the species states categorically that he would like to see the female of the species again and requests – no insists! – on having her contact details to facilitate this.The female acquiesces.

The female of the species is expecting a call imminently to arrange what she imagines will be a date. The male of the species feels that to contact the female too soon after the last time he saw her will cause him some kind of cosmic damage… there for he must at least leave it for three days before backing that arrangement.

I can’t tell you how many of my male friends have found ‘her’ and have really great chemistry, but when they call her (eventually) she sounds rather indifferent. Sometimes they have to formally re-introduce themselves as the woman in question sounds rather blank as to who on earth they could be! They moan to me…”You women… you say we never call… but when we do you are like… so COLD!”.

Does any man know how much can happen in a woman’s life in three days? If the men of my acquaintance are to believed they honestly think women go into a kind of holding bay (free from all technology, other peoples input and other possibly more attractive offers) – where they just sit and wait patiently to hear.

Um…. No. Sorry guys… it really doesn’t happen. Instead, as each minute takes her further away from the chemistry you generated together… rather than wait with anticipation she starts to have doubts.

You have given a woman THREE WHOLE DAYS to talk herself out of what on earth attracted her to you in the first place! That gives her time to analyse your every flaw, your every movement, your every detail. She will talk to her friends –she may even talk to YOURS . That 72 hr hiatus is a great time to find out if you spun a line about your job – most companies list staff and job titles on the web. It’s also perfect for a little social networking site snooping. She will not rest till she finds reason to think you are not worth it (then she can stop checking her phone) – plain and simply put, women do not like to wait. If you like her… what is the hold up? If you met on Saturday and you don’t intend to ring till Wednesday…. You have dropped in rankings from hot to trot - to luke warm… if you are lucky.

Of course the passage of time is complicated to count for a man. I have male friends who have a problem as to how long three days actually is. My friend Tom recently met a girl at a mutual friend’s party. If Chemistry labs have substances that when brought together can bubble and smoulder… then this was less chemistry and more physics… we are talking wow reactions here. Tom really thought this was the start of something huge. They had a great time together – he took her number and said that ‘this’ was not gonna end when the party did.Yet when I spoke to her on the Wednesday – he still hadn’t called. Tom was counting from the Monday as the party finished on Sunday morning. He had it in his mind to call her on the Friday as by his maths you have to let three whole days pass so that would be Monday Tuesday and Wednesday then a gap on Thursday cause otherwise it would look like you are counting - so Friday it would be. He figured he’d send a message on Myspace on Thursday to announce his intention to call on Friday, so that she didn’t feel neglected. She had not only gone of the boil – she had actually decided to give it go with someone else while he was fannying around… being cool.

Thing that men have never figured out is that for as long as sex is consentual…a woman will ALWAYS knows where her next sex is coming from… while a man can only hope. She is not gonna sit around waiting for you to call. There is always another suitor. Always. (OMG – you thought you were the only man who couldpossibly be attracted to this woman?.. please take the pin and pop that bubble you fool!) Taking a number and sitting on it for half a week is absolutely daft! If you like her: DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT A COMMITMENT AS TO WHEN YOU WILL NEXT MEET. It is called a DATE for a reason! Sure take her number so sort out the minor details… but “I’ll call you” is bollix – you know it and we know it.

Of course not every man stumbles at the first date hurdle – the vast majority of my male friends are coupled up. Ask them about their relationships and they say… “Oh I care so much about her”. 20 months after the first date and they care. They have progressed since that 1^st date to being mutually exclusive. The girlfriend doesn’t use the L word so they don’t, co-habiting or marriage hasn’t come up so they don’t bring it up, and they aren’t house breaking each others pets – it’s just cool having someone to care about with ‘no drama’. In fact it only seems to be me counting how long they’ve been with the girlfriend they care for though as so often I hear “ has it really been 20 months?… its funny how time fly’s when things are going smoothly”.

You ask the girlfriend and she does seem to be well aware of the passage of time. She also has noticed how things have progressed. She says that when they were first together he did use to ring nightly ‘just to hear their voice’ – but now he kind of rings weekly – ‘just to check in’. He does remember her birthday of course but valentines day wasn’t what it was that first year. She says that you can’t expect it to be passion city every day – can you? And it when you hear them say it out loud and look in their eye… you know the guy is about to be dumped.Name me ONE woman who is gonna exclusively commit her time to a man who is ‘in care’ with her.

Not long after that conversation I have to put the kettle on and listen to my male friends ranting about “What the HELL is it that you women WANT!”. Because to him everything was going along so smoothly – so how come he is alone again?! Now this is the bit where all the women of my acquaintance are gonna aim both barrels at me for being a turncoat. I totally blame men for not getting a promising meeting of the ground because of fannying around with the phone game. But when a relationship just doesn’t progress… I really DO have sympathy for men here.

Men are by and large very simple creatures. If we don’t give them a framework of expectations – they’ll assume all is well. If we don’t tell a man how we feel – they would never know! I would be so bold as to say that even the phone game can be overcome by a canny woman who can articulate how she wants things to go.

If a man says “Can I have your number” and I am interested in him - I say “No… but I’m right here if you want to arrange to see me again”. You know what…. THEY LOVE IT. The smile on the man’s face that we NOW have something to talk about and he doesn’t have to depend on lines anymore. You actually get a great conversation going as you find out what each other are into and decide what you want to do on your first date… and when. You’d never leave a business meeting without a commitment… so why leave a hot guy without one?

And why on earth would you consider ending a successful date without a commitment for day and time of the next? And of course you shouldn’t bring it up on your doorstep! Weave it into conversation from the point YOU have decided you would like to see him again. If he won’t play… dump him. If the power of attraction on the early dates aren’t enough to compel him to move forward... he never will be.

Face facts – if you haven’t heard the L word any time in the 1st 11 months… it is NOT gonna happen. EVER. So say that is why you are leaving – then leave. And stay left.

Oh – if you ARE saying the L word then you’ve entered the commitment Zone – so you better be moving towards co-habiting. In my book a couple should be under the same roof within 24 months, unless there is a compelling reason why. (And frankly that has to be that you are waiting for the house to be built or arranging your wedding). Men know the consequences of the L word – but if they depend on you to make it clear that is where you are heading. Oh… and get a pet. It’s the perfect trial run for kids.

And for heaven sake – work out your DEAL BREAKERS! There is no point being with someone who doesn’t want kids, wants his mum to live with you, and wants to live in Angola – if you want twins, hate his mother and have a yearning to live in Brighton. TALK. Men are by and large simple BUT they do understand language. If you don’t say… they will NEVER KNOW. And be specific….there is no point whining about how you don’t like living in Luanda if all you said is you’d like to live on the coast… Luanda is on the Atlantic after all.

You can’t scare a man by telling him what it will take to make the woman he loves happy. Men like to know EXACTLY what is expected of them… and if he can’t do it he’ll say. And that is where YOU can decide where to compromise and if necessary when to walk. But if you sit around waiting for the unspoken to dawn on them… you think waiting for the phone to ring took a long time???.... Girlfriend you’ll be waiting ALL your life. Even in the novels of Jane Austen, the women ASKED for what they wanted in the end because the men simply just couldn’t figure it out.

You see, in my vast and colourful experience with men I have learnt, subtle hints don’t work, obvious hints don’t work… you just have to bloody say it! Men truly believe you said nothing because it was not important to you. But that is NO excuse for men to just sit back and expect women to do all the work – you ain’t the passenger on this route love – you are co-driver.

SO… PLEASE – throw away the relationship help books… just talk to each other!......men are from Earth – women are from Earth. GET USED TO IT!

I really hope this helps as I am now down to 6 bags of Yorkshire tea, 4 Scottish shortbread fingers and just the one hob-nob…. And I really did buy them for me.