“Accidents, try to change them -- it's impossible. The accidental reveals man.” Pablo Picasso
It is often said that I can be quite distant. Like I’m there, (taking part – making noise and ostensibly in the moment), but totally unconnected. Someone once said it was as if I am an observer rather than a true participant and that I get in my own way when it comes to belonging. It’s possibly the fairest criticism I get.
I don’t think I truly belong to any one thing, or place, or indeed person. I’ve been that way for more years than I would ever be comfortable numbering, but I suppose if I had to say where I think it started... it would be when I did the maths and figured out that I am an accidental person.
Now being an accident does not mean you are not loved – very often the accident is lavished with love and is very secure within themselves. This is certainly NOT a security issue – after all people had to decide to keep you. So how more secure could you be! Yet conversely when your very existence was generated outside the planned zone, a strange almost observational relationship develops between you and your own existence.
I doubt if many of us are comfortable with details of our conception, and I should imagine most of us are spared that. But we all at some point or another do the maths and figure out whether or not we are accidental people. I suppose it shouldn’t make any difference if you were much planned or a complete surprise, as they say on all the reality shows it’s all about the journey.
It’s a comfortable thought, that where you start does not dictate where you end, but unfortunately I don’t believe that for a second. Once you are aware that if the rules were abided by, you would not exist that solitary thought does rather inform your journey.
I exist when really I shouldn’t and so on some subconscious level I don’t really think that ‘the rules’ actually apply to me.
This is not all bad. Non accidental people kind of have a path laid out for them. They are like fare paying passengers... they know exactly where they are going. I’m more like a stowaway... always waiting for someone to reveal I shouldn’t really be on board. But it does rather make one slightly distant when it comes to belonging... because ...well, think about it... a stowaway doesn’t.
Anyhoo... here I am. To all intent and purposes I AM doing the same journey as everyone else. But I don’t cling to the rules or expect any of the rewards, because hey!... they were never actually laid on for me. I may sneak a few while no one is looking, but I’m never going to plan anything in. My journey is entirely accidental... it really doesn’t have a plan... it runs because it is running that’s all.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to do the journey with the non-accidentals though. Happy to witness how it all works when you really should be on board the good ship Life. I will always applaud your successes, commiserate your failures, endorse your efforts, support your struggles, dance at your weddings, raise a glass at your christenings, cry at your funerals... but all the time feeling strangely disconnected from it all – as only an accidental can.
I doubt very much if you know what I mean.
Unless you are an accidental person too.
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