BLOG 212: Training Krys Taltipse

“Shop like a MAN... see it, club it, drag it home!”  Mansnet.com

Shopping with men has been a theme of this blog on more than one occasion - love to say this will be the last. But this is JaxWorld – I would never lie to you. It won’t be. Nothing shows the difference between the genders like the approach to clothes shopping. The whole concept that shopping is a leisure activity leaves them bewildered - they have no idea why bars and restaurants live cheek by jowl with retail enterprises. They don’t understand why shopping for garments to wear takes women so ruddy long. If a man needs something he just buys it. Like a recon mission. In and out. (And as a consequence ends up owning far too many items of clothing in shades of blue, grey, brown and black). 

Krys Taltipse is such a man. The advent of the shopping mall leaves him confused. “Why would someone even wish to sit down to eat and drink when doing a task as mundane as shopping for clothes” MUNDANE??? MUNDANE??? How is it even possible that any man – especially one living in such close proximity to London- can view garment shopping as a task – let alone a mundane one!! **shudder!** But hey ho, lets face facts, Krys Taltipse is not alone. Many men simply don’t understand shopping as a leisure activity. The hurried approach to buying things rather than leisurely shopping for ensembles clearly showed in Krys's wardrobe which given his proximity to some of the best shopping in London was quite frankly a crime.

It normally takes a huge catalyst for a man to do something about something he erstwhile did not see as a problem. Despite the fact that London Shopping streets are  renown worldwide for the shops supreme skill at bringing the catwalks to the backs of ordinary folk quickly and cheaply – the existence of St Christopher’s Place, Berwick Street, Jermyn Street, South Molton Street, Seven Dials, Portobello Road, Westbourne Grove, Canada Square, Regent Street, Bond Street and Oxford Street leave the average man cold. They’d rather heat up on a 6 minute dash into Burtons to replace the blue, black, grey or brown item that may have sprung a hole. And YES...This hurried approach to buying things meant that Krys and his father dressed like twins.

But along came the catalyst.

Yep Krys has his head turned by a rather cute brunette... who quite clearly is a bit of a fashionista herself. Not wishing to be rude but if Krys Taltipse was fortunate to pull the lady in question... he would have to smarten up his act, or forever be the dating one half of a much better dressed couple!  Krys Taltipse is not a silly man; he is probably one of the most single minded people I know. However, single minded when it comes to men means having more than one thing to think about means they will  either ignore the secondary instructions or totally screw up what they are currently engaged in doing. Face facts... being able to shop means thinking of more than one thing at once. Not quite his strong suit.

It was time for a spot of training JaxWorld training.

First thing was to break the cycle of dressing like his dad and that meant finding find a male role model that Krys could live with... not in actuality (I can pull of a lot of stuff, but moving in with a Hollywood A’ lister... not so much!) Women have been doing this for years (I’ve always had a bit of Liz Taylor meets Billie Holiday going on in my head when I shop) – but inspiration must come from somewhere and it helps to have someone with a similar build and attitude to influence style. Surprisingly acceptance of this part of the process went well (helped somewhat by the male role model being married to the gorgeous British actress Emily Blunt who pays a small but noticeable similarity to the young lady that has his heart all a-flutter.) So, an internet study of said actor at work and repose gave us a list of items (thankfully not all in blue, grey, brown and black) to begin building a capsule wardrobe.

Next step... where to shop?

As I’ve already said, London is blessed with many shopping areas, most of which are the traditional outdoor shopping experience. However, following the advent of the Brent Cross Shopping Centre in North London back in the 1970’s, huge malls have sprung up – Lakeside to the East, Westfield to the West and Bluewater to the South. These complexes offer protection from the variables of the English weather, along with many hundreds of the best retailers all under one roof.  It was to the newest (and smallest) of these that Krys decided to host his first real shopping trip – Westfield Stratford City. I’m more a fan of traditional shopping streets but to be honest his choice worked out well. The choice of a shopping mall meant that it was easy for me to show Krys Taltipse that calm and steady is the way to shop... no need to do the stereotypical male minute dash!

It was a simple plan. Meet up – have a beer in one of the swanky watering holes in the complex. Then go in and get at least two MAJOR parts of the capsule wardrobe. Break time would be a male manicure (so many places now do free manicures/facials while male grooming products are discussed and purchased – result!) Pick up a couple products there. Then time for a refreshing beer (and light snacks) at another venue before taking on the rest of the list. Finally armed with plenty of bags heavy with the all new Krys – Late lunch..served with yes... more beer.

So... off we go.

I’m not shopping for him, I'm guiding and training him, - the choices are his. But Krys is instructed not to make any purchase without my rubber stamp. If I veto something... my word is law (rather like Eric Cartman in Southpark “Do not Question My Awthority!”).

It’s all going well. Despite initial reservations, Krys is beginning to enjoy himself. It’s not just the beer stops, there is a certain satisfaction that capsule pieces for the all new HE are selected and the grown up sporty but smart look is taking shape. 

It’s time for the bit he is dreading. Krys Taltipse is a bloke’s bloke, rugby build – rugby nails for sure - men like him do not have manicures. But Krys is rather aware that hands that combine the visual appeal of "monkey meets cheese grater" probably won’t float little Miss Brunette’s boat. Besides, I’m in the salon before he has a chance to object and chatting up the owner with vague promises of buying products after we get to see the effect. The free manicure is on as is the facial massage. (RESULT!). Krys is ushered into the chair and a very beautiful Italian girl comes out to do the therapies. She has the most expressive eyes of an indeterminable colour and midnight black hair that ends tantalisingly at her bust. Knowingly, she twiddles the ends as she speaks soothingly to him, occasionally tossing it over her shoulder. Krys does no longer look like a man dreading a manicure, he places his hand in her care and while I go through the male grooming products with the manager, I hear Krys asking our Italian vixen what colour her eyes actually are. (I’d call that relaxed!). I purchase a small tub of body butter for myself but up the flirting with the manager and allude to future business... he pops £70 worth of male grooming products into my bag free of charge (along with his telephone number!) It’s time to leave and we thank the salon staff and promise faithfully to return as regular paying customers. Like I said... RESULT.

Beer time. Krys has a penchant for gambling and there is a casino on site. Seeing he is so compliant, I treat him to a drink there. We sit out on the terrace and enjoy the July sunshine and take a look at the Olympic Stadium (should there be so many JCB’s when the games start in a fortnight??) – it’s glorious out there. Okay a flutter wasn't on the schedule but he should be in pig heaven having a beer in such a location but Krys is a little quiet. “What’s up?” I ask. “I feel guilty and a little worried what you are gonna say” he answers. I get him to spit it out. He is in breach of my rules... he bought a couple of extra products from the Italian girl . “What did you get?” I ask.  He produces a small bottle of stuff suitable for 40 year old skin.... Krys is 25!!! I fall about laughing. “THIS IS WHY YOU MUST NOT QUESTION MY AUTHORITY YOU TWAT!” 

High spirits restored - we return to the stores. Despite his recent confession, I am now letting him off the leash completely, seeing what he can put together himself. He returns with some good choices (only the long sleeve T-shirt is rejected). By the time we are doing footwear I am merely the person looking after the bags! My work is done.

Time for late lunch. We take our seats which offer a panoramic view over the interior of the mall. We order our meal and launch into our third beer of the afternoon. “Well that was much better than I thought...I don’t do shopping expeditions that require meal breaks. I reckoned that NO one could sell ANY thing that I want badly enough to be shopping that long – but it’s been alright!” He admits.   I laugh “So not only have you the start of a movie star wardrobe, I’ve convinced you eating when out shopping can be more involved than bottled water and a Yorkie from the newsagent!”

The food arrives and we tuck in.

 “So...”  I say, “NOW do you understand unique joy of sitting in a restaurant with shopping bags round your ankles?” He nods and starts on about how much fun it was, and it sure beats his old system.  “Aye”, I say “And now you don't dress like your dad going to the gardening centre, you just may pull that brunette as well – see how great the world is when you DON’T question my authority!” I laugh.

Krys looks rather sheepish.

I ask what is up.

He says he feels guilty that he bought all that stuff off the Italian girl.

“Oh well, don’t worry, we all make mistakes... besides you more than broke even what with your free manicure, facial and don’t forget the 70 quid of products the owner popped in my bag for you!”

“Ah...  I don’t think so...” He says “she WAS very pretty”

I look confused.

He pulls out the receipt from his purchase at the salon... it is WAY over a couple of hundred quid! To make this clear for my American readers...if this was the USA he would have spent $360 on an eye cream he can’t use for another 15 years.  

Here was the proof...Men can’t shop. There is a REASON why they run in and run out like getting a jacket is a recon mission... if they slow down for a second, ludicrous, unnecessary and expensive purchases are what will always happen! What was I thinking when I decided that they were trainable! It does not do to mess with nature.

I just sighed deeply and remembered a quote from the novelist Jenny Colgan:

“I like men very much. They're funny, straightforward and good at sums. On the other hand, there are some areas of life where they are complete and utter uncontainably useless arses.”

Amen to that Jen...

Amen to that.

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