BLOG 210: Men in the bed

“a man and a woman make far better friendships than can exist between two of the same sex /but then with the condition that they never have made or are to make love to each other.”  Lord Byron

I nearly dropped a baby this week. Not something I'll be putting on my CV, indeed this will remain something that I will always feel quite guilty about. Not so much the infants near introduction to the carpet (don't worry I caught it!), but the idea that I have contributed to a flaw in modern society... now that came as a bit of a shock.

You see, I’ve written a fair few rom-coms in my time. These are pretty formulaic, and there are two major plot tools I always fall back on. The first is the“meet-cute” (situation where girl meets boy) and the other stalwart is the “platonic sleep”. For characterisation nothing is greater shorthand for "This Is A Man You Can Trust” than the guy who sleeps with a woman (who we have established he does have romantic interest in) and manages to get from dusk to dawn without body fluids being exchanged. It's jolly entertaining coming up with situations whereby the protagonists must spend a night together where rising ardour must be contained as the timing is not yet right.

And that is one of the reasons why I love writing fiction... anything is possible in a world I make up. In real life one does not have the certainty of the contents of another’s head. Only when writing have I  (or any pensmith) the deep knowledge of exactly how all the protagonists really feel and can cue up the action accordingly.

Quite often when the platonic sleep occurs in real life, it is taken to mean “This man is not interested” and said man finds his non-action has bought him a one way ticket to the friendship zone. From which (–despite my and other folks works of fiction–) no man has ever escaped.

I’ll tell you for why:  physical contact breeds closeness, and exchanging vulnerabilities leads to emotional bonding...  any kindergarten child could have told you that. Think about it?: Is there anything more physically close than sharing a bed with someone? Is there any time when you are more vulnerable than when you are asleep? It’s hardly likely then that if two people of the opposite genders have survived this experience and still manage to come out the other side emotionally at arms length from each other ...  that their relationship is going to be defined as anything other than platonic. As I often say in words for inferior to Lord Byron's:” if the horizontal foxtrot is not occurring then friendship is”.  

Or at least that is the way most women take it.

It is always news to the female that the male participant in the platonic sleepovers was ever looking to be more than friends.  Thus, it’s not as rare as one would like that as friendships mature and the rounds of weddings are replaced by the rounds of christenings that the male platonic friend will mention to the female as she cradles his newborns head: “Oh I wouldn’t swap him/her for the world... and just think if I didn’t shake off my obsessional crush on you, he/she would never have been born”. Word to the wise: STOP DOING THAT! It’s a miracle that said newborn doesn’t actually get dropped - such is the shock!

I’m delighted that these men do get on with their lives and finally escape the Friend Zone (which is beginning to appear to be little more than a holding pattern for the infatuated/unrequited); however it is rather disheartening than platonic sleepovers are read by the participants so differently.

 I think the huge mistake here is that the male participant has the idea in mind that what women want is a man who is “good loyal and nice”. Popular culture (to which my fictional waffle also belongs) does rather fan the flames of this myth. In the real world  women  are actually looking for confidence, humour and looks.  The sad fact is that good, loyal and nice doesn’t spark flames. A guy who doesn’t want to be in the friendship zone is looking to have a real physical relationship and will flirt, touch, even kiss at the first best opportunity. Good, loyal and nice will sleepover without any attempt of that stuff. So, from a woman’s perspective... if he isn’t trying to make the physical happen... he isn’t interested in you that way... he’s just a friend.

Of course popular culture is a lie! In the real world the platonic sleepover has never been a precursor to romance, it's a precursor of confusion at best. And yet platonic sleepovers are on the rise.  Nature never allowed for this phenomenon.  It is not possible for a female to share a bed with a heterosexual male and for it to be entirely platonic. And certainly not from the guy side – the poor sods! 

I do feel sorry for men sometimes. Damned if they do (Blergh!!! what a creep! I was just being friendly then the next minute he is trying to shove a tongue down my throat!) Damned if they don’t (OMG I CANNOT believe he had feelings for me ALL THESE YEARS and didn’t tell me!).

As a (somewhat minor) contributor to the fallacy that the platonic sleepover and good, loyal, nice is on females shopping list, I feel obliged to set the record straight:

Despite what you see in rom-coms or read in books... a platonic sleepover is not the launch pad to a fulfilling relationship.

The platonic sleepover is an intimacy between a man and a woman which has no element of sex in it, but which is a facsimile of commune that leads participants to feel connected.

Which is plain English means.... fellas... she thinks of you as family...like a brother.

And if she was the sort of girl who could change her mind and look at her brother in ‘that’ way.... ask yourself would you still be interested?

***Blergh!!!***

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