“Edmund: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial” From Blackadder Part IV Episode V
My mum is a great reader of people. She worked in social care for most of her working life and developed the ability to be able to read what is not being said possibly faster than any one on earth. I used to ask her... “But HOW did you know they were lying?” she answered simply... “Because they could never explain why not quickly... it was always a multitude of excuses when simply one sound reason would do”.
I’ve never forgotten those words of wisdom. They have stood me in good stead through many of lifes adversities. When people really have a reason not to do something this is always communicated clearly and succinctly - anything else is just bluff and bluster.
My friend John was looking for a position in pediatric neurosurgery and showed me a sheaf of letters turning down his applications. They were all one page and to the point. They thanked him for his application and advised him that due to budget restrictions they were not looking at recruiting at this time. He never once received one that read: “Dear John, Thank you for your application for the position of Brain Surgeon, we really really really wanted to take you on but unfortunately we couldn’t because a) the is no room in the car park for your vehicle, b) you did mention you are vegetarian and the canteen can’t cope with that and c) we’re all Virgo’s here and I noticed on your application your date of birth indicates you are a Pisces and we're sure you are equally as wary of astrological hell. But if you are ever passing this way please do pop in for a coffee as we think you are a really really nice bloke” No. When a letter is sent declining an offer it usually offers just one clear reason - Just like the letters in Johns sheaf of No's. When people have a real reason not to do something they let you know directly and seldom fob you off.
Everyone accepts on some level that sometimes people (even people you love) will have to decline when you offer them something. It’s the way of things. We hear no all through our lives, in fact the no’s of our formative years is what gives us the moral compass of our latter ones. Actually when you think about it, it is so deep in our culture that we have gone so far as to enshrine the word NO in Law. It is our law that NO is a word we all have the right to use and a duty to communicate it clearly. It is incumbant upon the hearer of the word NO to graciously accept its finality. So of all peoples we chould be the most confident that when we punt an idea out there... one of the possible outcomes is a no. It is a right of someone to be able to decline an activity (providing doing so does not put another at risk). And to prevent a refusal for being long winded (and therefore protracted and open to confusion), NO is a very short word. Of course we dress it up with a thank you but (and even a sorry thrown in after) but as a nation we are pretty good with dealing with declining offers. It's a calculated risk on the part of the offeree and we all know how to handle it.
However there are people who just can’t manage one of the shortest words in the English language. If you have a bright idea and punt it out to the group...instead of saying no, they say YES!, then they fudge about commitment, then come the excuses. Not one. Not two. Always three (and upwards for the more inexperienced No-phobe). It’s curious how people who have no good reason to say no will instead pour a multitude of thin excuses over your bright idea.
It is when this occurs that one usually concludes that these people get some sort of pleasure from to pooh-pooh your bright ideas. However we are not correct according to the men in white coats. Scientists claim that these transparent multitudinous excuses are actually caused by a chemical imbalance in the brains of No-Phobes.
Current thinking is that these people suffer from a desperate desire to gain momentary approval from those they know. The easiest way to do this is to make firm future commitments with people whose approval they lust for. They never actually schedule time for these future commitments as the chemical imbalance in their brain makes them mistakenly think that the activities that compete for time today are irrelevant to those that will compete for time in the future. So when it comes to actually fulfilling the commitment, they discover they are too busy to do everything they’ve committed to. Rather than admit that they have neither the commitment nor desire to fulfil the obligation, they find reasons why the pledge could not have ever worked out for them, thus giving themselves the illusion of control. (Source: Journal of Experimental Psychology)
It’s a lot of words to say EXCUSES. (sorry J.E.P, I know you are a very learned journal but it is!) I’ll stick with what my Mum told me- excuses are not reasons. Reasons never put down the commitment because a reason is what you give not to take on a commitment in the first place!
I used to live on the route of the London Marathon. I used to stand on my balcony and watch the competitors go by. I have never had the slightest inclination to do a marathon on the grounds I just don’t want to. I’ve never given an excuse. My reason is simply “No, it’s not for me”. I have never given a list of faux medical conditions or lifestyle choices... I’m just not a compete in the London Marathon kind of gal.
But I've never minded watching those who do. One of the best bits of standing on my balcony watching the competitors was watching the elite race for disabled people whizz by. Now those were athletes. “I could have been a marathon runner, but I lost my leg in a car accident.” is not something you hear those guys and gals saying. It could be thought of as a supporting reason NOT to do it, but they hear it as it sounds…It is just an excuse. The only acceptable reason for not doing it is “No, London Marathon Elite Race for Disabled people?...it’s not for me”. As much as I applaud those who do take on something a amazing as a marathon (even with a disablement), I applaud those who decline without excuses. It may be our right to say NO, but still ... takes a lot of strength of character to be able to say "NO, it’s not for me" straight out of the gate.
No-Phobes say an emphatic YES every time they are asked to commit to anything because they fear the unpopularity associated with saying no. They are always the ones who are most looking forward to what ever it is and requesting the most updates. Then the time comes for them to deliver and they can’t. The fear of unpopularity is now a source of huge pressure on them so they scrape together a few supporting reasons that could help them feel that it is not their fault.
And that is the thing. What sounds in the head of a No-Phobe as a supporting reason (or three) – is nothing more than an excuse (or three)… and the recipient can tell (as my Mum’s careers of dealing with the liars of three boroughs is testament to). And the tell tale sign is they often blame the thing they have committed to. It's never the No-Phobes fault.
My friend Richielle works for a local charity. In September they advertised for a gratis venue to hold the old folks Xmas party and were kindly given the use of some elegant tearooms by a local lady-who- lunches. Four days before the event my friend received this message “I would have loved to lend the charity the venue … but it is, my son’s birthday, a few days away from Christmas and I have another party booked for the same date”. (Ahem… when you agreed to give the charity the venue did you not know the date your son was born, or that Christmas was coming or that the venue was already booked?) It was classic No-Phobe behaviour, the woman felt compelled to offer support (to win approval) but when it came down to it was unable to fulfill the obligation and came up with what she thought were three sound reasons why she was compelled to withdraw her support. And with three sound reasons given she felt she was in control by demonstrating it was the timing of the event that was at fault.
However all any No-Phobe does is show how NOT in control of the situation they are when they stage their retreat from commitment. People in control are truly committed to fulfill obligations, they never give up and they never give excuses. They never blame the obligation for they fact they can’t see it through because they never take on stuff they are not going to see through.
“You can make all the excuses you want, but don’t forget that when you make excuses, you’re not in control of the situation.”
Letting people down isn’t the route to being thought of as anything other than someone who deals in the opposite to honesty, integrity and confidence. How you react to external events is one of the things that will form people's impressions. If you are the person who always YES… then fails to deliver… it’s pretty clear what impression you are giving. You really don’t improve things much by offering a bunch of excuses made to make it seem that the commitment YOU took on is somehow out of line with you.
Coming to the situation with only a withdrawal to offer shows clearly that the commitment was never there. People who are committed come to a situation with solutions… not excuses.
Anyway, enuff said on No-Phobes - I think you get the point... they annoy me. SEE.... 1 good reason!!!!
As for those who who are mentioned in this blog...
- My Mum is still a great reader of people. She still has no truck with No-Phobes!
- John did gain a position in pediatric neurosurgery. He is working in Paris.
- Richielle is still at the local charity. She hosted the Old Folks Xmas Party in a Grade III listed building donated free of charge.
- I am still very much my mother's daughter. (On this matter at least).
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