BLOG 128: Gold

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
---Oprah Winfrey (said on 7/12/2002)

I lead a very charmed life.

This time next month I will be 17,897 days old and in all that time I have never been without a friend. Amazing given some of my more controversial moments when my choices have been questionable to say the least.

I seem to attract the very best people in my life. People who even though they couldn't be more different from me physically, morally, politically, emotionally, spiritually they stay by my side. They encourage me to be the very best version of me based on their deep understanding of who I am. Who I am seems to be enough to draw in some of the best people and I could not imagine being me without them.[To be fair, because I am who I am I attract a fair few toxic people too... but I am ruthless at cutting out that cancer as soon as it is detected]. Like I said I seem to attract the very best people. And for that I am eternally grateful.

I learnt early from my parents the true value of friendship. They had immigrated 4682 miles (7535Km) to England, leaving family behind so learnt the hard way the meaning of the words 'Friends are the family you chose”. They were solo immigrants who met in England and probably never would have in their homeland (coming from different regions and different classes as they do) .

You cannot under estimate the importance of friendship. Without it my parents would have been lonely people in a foreign land. But a smile or a chance comment lead to friendships with the most unlikely people and subsequently generated from the zero network of nothing an entire web of interconnected lives and support systems.

People go on and on about family being the most important thing... and maybe it is if you need a donor match for an organ! But glibness aside, family are not the people who value you the highest. They may have known you the longest.. but nine times out of ten have to be introduced to you at weddings, christenings or funerals. They don't know what books you like to read. They don't know how you met your spouse. They can't name your tipple. They are unaware of your phobias. They don't know your five year plan. They can't name the genre of music dear to your heart. They have no idea if you sleep nude or in pj's. They are the most shocked at dramatic developments in your life. And you can't blame them. They really don't know you...and to be fair you really don't know them either. And that's fine... cause they don't need to know you to love you and 9 times out of ten not knowing you is never a reason to stop them giving you the organ you require. Family has its place. Cursory knowledge is all that is required.

However, friends are a very different proposition entirely.

To be considered a friend you would of course know if the person you are friends with likes books, you'd certainly know how they met their other half, you know what they drink, you know they are scared of chickens, you know in 5 years they want to be living in Maui, you know they have a penchant for drum n bass that no one can talk them out of, and you know they sleep wearing a BA flight mask. And yes you saw it coming that they would one day leave Blighty for life on the beach.

You can't be friends without knowing someone.

And that's the great thing about being friends. You chose this person based on your knowledge of them. There is no DUTY to stay in touch. No contract. It's the ultimate act of free will.

It's also the ultimate act of validation.

There is nothing that says “the way I conduct myself, the way I live my life, the choices I continue to make, the person I am turning out to be.... has value” than someone exercising their free will to associate with you.

The ultimate stamp of rejection is to withdraw friendship.

To absent yourself from someone emotionally, physically, supportively....is to say loud and clear... “I reject you, I reject the way you live your life, the choices you make and the person you are turning out to be”.

So yes, I lead a very charmed life. 17,897 days old in a month and NEVER, not once have I experienced a moment of friendlessness.

I value each and every one of my friends. I love the diversity they bring to my life. I relish the smiles we share, the experiences we gain, the points of views spoken quietly and shouted loudly. The new friends, the old friends, the somewhere in between friends... I value you all. (As Eammon Holmes so memorably said “An old friend is just a new friend that got there first”.)

This daughter of immigrants that came to a cold island over half a century ago, thanks you for your warmth. As the nights draw in and winter wraps itself around us for the next 5 months I am delighted to be kept warm by the fact I am the family you chose. The family who knows you well... VERY well... and still chooses to stick around.

And the family who... if you ask very nicely may even consider giving you an organ!

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