“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” ~Dale Carnegie , American Writer and Lecturer extraordinaire
When I was a kid, feelings were dead easy. Feeling meant touching something. When you're under 6 you are certainly aware that there was a limit to what you were allowed to touch and you were always being told not to touch this or that... and you had the idea that the reason why this missive was much repeated was that those in the know feared that in your inexperienced hands... something would get broken.
But then you grow up and the word changes... suddenly feelings get used in a different context:
“This house is the one. It just feels so right”
“I have a great feeling about this project”
“I still have feelings for him, but I don't love him any more”
“Talking to my sister is over – I just don't feel the same way about her”
Suddenly feelings are no longer clumsy inexperienced paws on fragile merchandise, but some kind of scale by which we measure our commitments by.
These are not thoughts or opinions rising from the process of the mind, these are sensations arising from the heart... reactions if you like. These reactions cause the sensation of happiness, or sadness. They can just as easily make us excited, bored, anxious, embarrassed, miserable, connected...to name but only a few. These are reactions are the things that make one man's meat another's poison. These are the truly dangerous E's... Emotions.
Emotions don't plug into any values or common sense. They simply are a response to what is happening around you to you... and they are completely unique to you. No one else is exactly like you so no one else is going to have exactly the same emotional response. Where this becomes dangerous is when we don't recognise that our response is not an opinion or a lucid thought and try to apply logic to emotion. Like we can control them. (And before you start claiming you can... you can't best you can do is suppress... and that's an express ticket to 'Hey, I'm living in my own nightmares-land'). Ever tried to make yourself feel happy when you actually feel sad? Doesn't work -does it? Nah, you can't control emotions or make them go away. They demand to be acknowledged and or expressed.
Ah... wasn't it all so much easier when we were little and the only feeling you had to worry about the one that lead to something being broken and your parents getting annoyed.
But then it's really not all that different with the dangerous E's. Expressing them inappropriately will lead to something being broken...like another person's heart... and yes, in that circumstance letting down those for whom you care will result in them getting annoyed.
We do have a responsibility to share our dangerous E's with people lovingly and responsibly. “You ALWAYS shout, you are right up in my face and I feel it's just a matter of time before you just lose it and do something you'll regret” … now that has to be the most confrontational way of sharing your emotions. It's probably heartfelt and true up to a point... but if you are on the receiving end of that you'd be STRAIGHT on the defensive. And pretty fairly too, seeing that it is highly unlikely that you ALWAYS raise your voice, and that the implication of acceleration to violence is so far unfounded. Maybe something like “I don't like it when you shout, it makes me feel unsafe – I'd prefer us to be able to talk without the shouting” True that is equally uncomfortable to hear from a loved one, but at least it separates the person from the behaviour and paves the path to resolution of conflict.
Dangerous as our E's may be they are jolly useful. If we can express them with care, then at least people know what is going on inside. And that has to be better than being left to guess what the cold silence and general grumpiness is supposed to signify!
To be loved, valued, appreciated or even just to be allowed to make our own decisions means that we have to demonstrate an ability to share our dangerous E's... it seems this is the way that we actually get to know each other better. The bugger is that we are social animals and do not thrive in isolation. Much as we sometimes wish we could just stay in our pants till our uncomfortable E's went away..they tend not to until outwardly expressed. It is the very expressing of emotion that draws us into relationships with others, it is the backbone of friendship.
It's only when we communicate in this way that others can help fill our needs:
for worth or value
for freedom to make our own decisions
for significance (to know we make a difference)
for love and to give love
Trouble with all this is that because communicating E's gets us all the goodies on the list... it s sooooooooo tempting to make it anyone else's responsibility but YOURS to make you feel good. Spill the dangerous E's and force others to satisfy all your emotional needs all the time.
What a quandry...
A) Bottle it all up
True you'll bother no one and won't become anyone's emotional millstone, Equally true you'll become a repressed nut nut who wanders about like a pressure cooker on high gas. You also run the risk of having to be second guessed... and without you providing the emotional answers...people have a habit of filling in the blanks themselves...with just about anything.
B) Let it all out
True you'll be more relaxed and less ratty for all the unburdening. Equally having access to your every high, low and middle ground your life is a wide open book. You also run the risk of being viewed as insecure and seeking validation … people will learn not to trust your judgements if you appear not to deal with anything internally.
I guess the path to true enlightenment lies somewhere in the middle as with all things.
Dangerous E's... or just plain straight Feelings as they use to be called. Confusing stuff...
I think back to a simpler time and the pre-school me... always being told to keep my grubby little paws in check less I got hold of something we couldn't afford and broke it. Most of the time my hands would train out of the pushchair lot because I needed wanted or desired any of the things I got hold of, but because I was bored, or wanted to know how they felt, or simply I got hold of things because they were in reach. Some things did get broken... but in the main... most things didn't. Maybe things haven't changed so much.
Maybe after all feelings are still fragile merchandise being handled by clumsy inexperienced paws, still some kind of scale by which I at least measure my commitments by.
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