"I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'." — Molly Harper 21st Century Fiction Author
In the past week three people in my circle of friends (including myself) have been victims of unwelcome harassment executed by men who seem to be completely unaware that their behaviour is not only offensive but also unlawful. In the past week STALKING seems to be the crime of choice. The perpetrators usually feel that they are not criminals that they mean no harm, that they should be viewed at worst as incompetent suitors.
The reality is that stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. It is a gross betrayal of trust from within - three out of every four victims of stalking are stalked by someone they know. Three quarters of stalkers use more than one means of approach and pursue their victims with texts, phone calls, e-mails, notes and have been known to follow their victims and show up wherever they are.
Stalking (like Rape) is one of the most misunderstood crimes today. It is customary in both of these crimes to examine the behaviour and demeanour of the victim and lay the cause of this crime at the door of there. It is tacitly understood that a man (who is usually the perpetrator of these crimes) is weak and can be easily aroused into a carnal state so it totally a woman’s responsibility to ensure this does not happen. If a man commits this crime – “it’s her fault she must have encouraged the poor lamb.”
Enough already. Stalking is a crime. It is has been classified as an assault since 1975 in the
Lasting effects of being stalked include:
- Feeling vulnerable, unsafe and unsure who to trust
- Feeling fearful, anxious, irritable, impatient or on edge
- Feeling depressed, hopeless, overwhelmed, tearful or angry
- Feeling stressed, having memory loss, problems concentrating or sleeping
- Feeling confused, frustrated and isolated in your fear
- Having flashbacks, disturbing thoughts, feelings or memories
These are not the effects of being courted by an incompetent suitor. These are the lasting effects of being pursued by someone whose attentions are unwarranted and unwanted.
Stalkers enjoy exercising power over the victim which will be demonstrated by them modifying their behaviour in some way. The rush that the stalker gains from this power motivates them to continue. Stalkers loiter around the places frequented by their victims, compiling information and tracking the victim’s movements. Some stalkers do this covertly – others are overt.
My stalker made a point of letting me know he know exactly where I live and could drop by. This of course made me agoraphobic. Unsure if his car was parked somewhere close by when the messages were sent – I drew the curtains and became a recluse. But to my stalker I am now exactly where he can find me.
One of my friends had a stalker that waited for her on her train platform as she went to work… he boarded that and followed her down into the tube station (though thankfully did not board that tube). But he did so just so that she was aware that her journey to work was at his will.
My other friend has found her stalker has gone through her wheelie bin and posted details of what her household consumes and whether or not she recycles correctly on the internet. She is now keeping her wheelie bin indoors – not a desirable feature of her household. But to her stalker she has demonstrated a change in her behaviour which he controlled.
Stalkers targets find themselves subject to a relentless campaign of harassment. The Stalker often presents a friendly face to the outside world, harmlessly quizzing friends and associates of the victim for details or accidentally turning up for a “chance encounter”. Chance encounters include regular drive bys of the victim’s home or appearances on her route to her place of work.
Stalking is a very clever form of criminal activity in that it is composed of a series of actions that taken individually are not remotely criminal – sending flowers, writing love notes, sending texts or even waiting for someone are all not actions on their own that constitute illegal behaviour. However, coupled with the intent to instil fear – it becomes a threatening act. The stalker wishes the victim to feel fearful of not subjugating themselves to the stalkers desire for contact and control – stalkers take actions to try to generate a response. The result on the victim is a feeling of terrifying helplessness. It all usually starts harmlessly enough.
In the case of my stalker, he sent me a text which was mildly inappropriate. My initial reaction was to respond. To throw cold iced water over any inflamed ardour. There was no way given the tenuous connection this man had to me that we were in the business of sharing even the lightest of intimacies. It was clear to me that he had either misconstrued the real world or was having an imagined relationship with me. I figured a few choice words and an air of total disinterest and the situation would go away as soon as it started. But instead it fanned the flames. I have later been told that ANY response is what a stalker requires.
Unfortunately ignoring a stalker is also seen as a response. Stalkers believe that if you respond to them they are special but equally they also believe that if you respond to everyone else and NOT them… then they are special. My friend who had her wheelie bin plundered has never said one word to her stalker since his campaign began. Never the less he remains unfazed leaving a note which infers that she had brought the wheelie bin indoors to keep it safe for him – he also sent her a gift of his healthy eating plan.
Stalkers cannot be negotiated with, behavioural changes by the victim (going out of your way to ignore them, or contacting them to request they stop) only serves as a reward and acknowledgement of the stalkers’ efforts.
Given that most victims feel shame and embarrassment that this is happening to them, victims neglect to inform significant players in their lives that they are being stalked. This helps the stalker endlessly as the unwitting disclosure of personal information is something that helps the stalker become very clued up as he skilfully extracts information from people in his victims life.
Stalkers devote an inordinate amount of time to tracking their victim’s movements. If it wasn’t enough that they can draw information out of friends, family and work colleagues, the easy accessibility given by information technology is a stalkers best friend. By using public records, online search facilities, planting spyware or malware on their victim’s computers or even using hidden cameras and GPS the stalker is able to find out everything about the victims life and movements.
On the subject of technology - the feeling of being boxed-in by a stalker is incredible.
In my case… I’m a parent, it is the school holidays and my son is out and about having adventures as any healthy vibrant teenager should be. He has a mobile phone and so do I. It’s our lifeline. I know that he’ll ring if he comes across any dilemmas and he knows I’ll be ringing if he is one second late home! Should he be out on any organised activity the team leader always has my mobile number to call me in the advent of any emergency. Parents ALWAYS have their mobiles switched on.
My stalker knows this. He knows I will HAVE to look at it.
So in a matter of a few days – NINETY texts.
He knows I will see his lude and inappropriate comments. He knows I will see them because he knows I have to check my phone when it bleeps because I have a child. And because he knows this… NINETY texts.
In my case… I’m a writer, I work from home. I have to have my e-mails open to stay in touch with the outside world, with commissioning editors, with publishers, with the news. Writers ALWAYS have their e-mails open.
My stalker knows this. He knows I will have to look at them.
So in a matter of a few hours – FOUR e-mails.
He knows I will see that he is using yet another gateway to make his comments to me. He knows I will see because he knows I have to check my emails all day because that is how I get my work done. And because he knows this …FOUR e-mails.
In my case… I have parents, they aren’t in the first flush of youth and I like to stay in touch. I have my landline switched on because it’s the method they find easiest to contact me on. People with older parents ALWAYS have their land lines switched on.
My stalker knows this. He knows I will go to my landline.
So in a matter of a few minutes – THREE calls.
He knows that I will at least have to go to it to see the caller display. He knows I will see that he has yet another gateway to contact me because he know I won’t switch it off and cut my parents off at the same time. And because he knows this… THREE calls.
He controls the days, the hours, the minutes - whether any of those are good are bad is up to whether or not I hear from him. I look over my shoulder when I walk down the street, parked cars scare me, I jump when my phone rings, I take a sharp intake of breath before even looking at emails or texts. Suddenly every avenue to the outside world seemed in HIS control.
Which is WHY people like him do this. To have control.
It starts with petty and trivial incidents such as repeatedly being sent text or emails, or getting phone calls, being followed or being sent unwanted ‘presents’. These are not ‘petty’ or ‘trivial’ incidents they are exhibitions of obsessive behaviours from another person and NEEDS to be taken seriously. Stalking can ruin people’s lives and as we all know in extreme cases can lead to rape…and even murder.
Stalking is a misunderstood crime. For too long the victims have suffered in silence and isolation. Last week I became a victim of this crime, and apparently I am supposed to sit down shut up and be embarrassed about it… while he carries on. Well NO! I am not embarrassed, I am the victim here and I did NOTHING wrong… so here goes. I AM A VICTIM OF STALKING. And I have no intention of being quiet about it.
If you also are a victim of stalking too can I ask you PLEASE to log onto www.nss.org.uk. That the website of the Network for Surviving Stalking, it is a registered charity dedicated to supporting victims of stalking - free of cost or commercial gain. They can help.
Thank you for reading– and if you are also a victim - be strong.
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Very powerful Jax. What a woman! xx
ReplyDeleteoh Jax! I had no idea this was happening. I know you are a strong woman but like you said this makes you a person you don't want to be. xx
ReplyDeleteJax, re-reading your blog today I was reminded of a time when I was at university and was stalked by someone who followed me and emailed several times each day.
ReplyDeleteHowever, unlike you, I very rarely checked my emails because I was a lazy student at the time, with very organised friends who did the job of keeping me up to date on important news. Whenever I did occasionally glance at my inbox, it was to scan through the list for familiar names who may have sent me some gossip. Those were the only messages I ever bothered to open - the result being that I never even realised I was being stalked.
I actually only became aware when I received his final email, which caught my attention because the subject line was full of expletives. I opened the email and read a tirade of abusive rambings, the point of which seemed to be a complaint that I had never responded to this person's friendly advances.
Being a lazy student, I hadn't deleted any old messages. As I read backwards through several months-worth of almost daily emails from this person, my blood ran cold because it became clear that he had been following me around; noticing the clothes I wore, my routines, my friends, a book I had once been photocopying in the library. I had apparently once smiled at him on the stairs (this had clearly made a big impression on him but left none at all on me).
He never contacted me again, but I was terrified to think of the times I had walked around on my own, worked late in the empty buildings, left the S.U bar and walked to the station or to a friend's house alone. I shiver now to think of how carefree and unguarded I was in those days.
The upshot of this story is that I did get over the incident and had actually forgotten it until I read your blog for the second time. Ultimately, your stalker's power over you is temporary and you WILL be ok.
But you're right, we shouldn't keep quiet about these things. On my recent birthday, one of my college students asked me what I did on my birthday 10 years ago when I was their age and I told him that I had gone to a club, where I was attacked in the toilet by a stranger who attempted to rape me. My class were shocked to hear that not only had I failed to report the attack, but that they were the only people I had ever told besides a few of my closest friends. I explained that I had felt deeply ashamed at the time, because I had been wearing a very short skirt and low-cut top, and had been "dancing provocatively" with male friends.
All I can say is that the young people I teach are far more clued-up and self-assured than I was at their age, and hurrah to that! They were outraged! Sharing stories and opinions with them was a truly cathartic and inspirational experience.
Jax, you're right. We should never keep quiet. Move on and live our lives without fear, yes, but let's not forget. We should be shouting these experiences to the world, with no shame, so that nobody who is the victim of these crimes ever feels that they are alone.
xx
Thanks for giving NSS a mention. Would you be interested in speaking out about your experience to journalists as it's always very helpful to hear human interest stories about stalking. No pressure at all but we were wondering whether it's something you'd be interested in?
ReplyDeleteThe Campaigns Team
The Network For Surviving Stalking
www.nss.org.uk