BLOG 31 Battered ain't just for fish

Battered ain't just for fish

This is an uncomfortable blog to write. It will become clear why I wrote this by the end. So stick with it.

It may come as a surprise to some that I have been a battered spouse.

Yup, feisty, don’t care what you think do it on her own terms Jax, has not only absorbed blows from her nearest and dearest, but stuck around long enough for such activities to be more than a one off.

If someone had told me before it happened to me that I’d have taken assaults from a spouse, let alone that I would have rationalized it and stayed in the relationship – I’d have called them a fool or a liar.

You see, battered spouses are perceived to be quiet, weak people who can’t stand up for themselves. They must have very low self esteem if they feel that staying is a better option than getting out. Such a simple black or white decision. Stay – be a punch bag…Go – and don’t be one.

Then it happens to you.

That is when you realize that becoming (and remaining being) a punch bag for another persons frustrations isn’t as simple as that.

So here is my story.

I met him at a party held at his brothers flat – back in the day when as a twenty something the Only priority was going out and having a good time.

It was like a scene from a corny movie. He walked in the room with his mates and to me the raucous party noise stopped and he became backlit. Of course none of that actually happened – but that is how it registered with me. He didn’t come and talk to me, but he kept looking at me and smiling knowingly. My stomach danced with butterflies. I was in a relationship at the time so had to be seruptious with my enquiries about him. As luck would have it his brother was very candid and had no idea of my attraction to him. So this is what I was told: “ Oh that’s my kid brother – not my fave person but he’s alright for a tosspot! – but I feel sorry for that girl of his, in fact ANY woman daft enough to give him a go”

It the best recommendation from his family eh? But attracted or not – there was not anything that was going to happen as I was happily living with my boyfriend who I had been with since Uni.

And life went on. Because of my position as a mate of his brother, our paths crossed a lot over the years. His track record with women was disturbing – living with one girl, split with her, dating furiously, married another girl, more furious dating. He seemed to have 3 on the go at any one time, there would be the one he was finishing with, the one he was committed to and the one he was warming up. But he was charming, self-effacing and funny so I did start to think of him as a friend.

I had also over the years got to know the one he divorced. Conscious that I was a friend of her ex-husbands brother, she did not talk of her ex-husband much. On the last occasion I spoke with her we were much lubricated by alcohol. She let slip that there was a darkside to her marriage and she was delighted to have got out of it alive. At the time I put it down to alcohol and melodrama – but it was the second clear warning that I had totally ignored.

Years rattled on and the boyfriend from Uni and I grew apart and split up. Jax, being Jax dealt with it by having a party to celebrate.

And it was at that party that he made his move.

How easily the recently emancipated give up freedom.

But I’m no push over. The girl on her way out and the girl that was being warmed up had to go. I put my foot down – mutually exclusive or jogg and on.

He was actually very cool about the exclusive thing and to my knowledge I became his only girlfriend. Yes, he was a complete tart and flirted with every female aged 8 – 80 – but that was all part of his charm

Then whilst on a couple’s holiday to the Canary Islands – I teased him about his legions of women. I remember calling them his old harem. But I don’t recall much else because he punched me in the face. If I hadn’t been wearing sunglasses (which took a lot of the impact) I don’t know if my sight would have survived the blow.

I’d never been assaulted by a man before and did what all women say they are going to do – I informed the authorities in Spain. Of course he charmed his way out of the consequences and I actually began to feel like I had over reacted. I felt very very silly going to the authorities. “ la violencia doméstica”.they called it. Domestic is household business.. not the stuff of the policía .I felt embarrassed ... I was caught in the act of being a drama queen.

But the balance of power in that relationship had changed irretrievably.

Things changed, I realised what happened in The Canaries happened after I spoke out of turn. Then I had made things worse by making a song and dance about what was a momentary lapse made by a man who felt he was being verbally assaulted. I watched my mouth.

I thought I had it all under control.

There was of course another assault – there is ALWAYS another assault.

We were out with some friends; my girlfriend was insulted by one of his friends. At dinner I spoke up for her .We went back to the friend’s house we were staying at. When we retired for the evening, he brought up what I had said at dinner. I started to explain that I was just backing a mate… but I never finished.

I was dragged to the floor and kicked repeatedly.

I remember taking the assault silently. I wanted to keep the noise down because I didn’t want our host to hear. I was embarrassed that this was happening to me.

We had a public persona.I very much enjoyed. I liked and even fell in love with the myth of us – two good looking, independent, witty, successful people. For the first time in my life people were actually jealous of me. I didn’t want to lose that.

I rationalalised it – it really wasn’t THAT bad. He’d only lost it twice and both times were when I had wound him up I’d just have to stop doing it – that’s all.

But it wasn’t me that was broken – it was him.

Arguments would accelerate disportionately to what they were about. He’d claw his own hand as if trying to take the rage out on himself. Other times he’d break objects. Sometimes he’d punch the wall right next to my head. But he hadn’t assaulted me again – so I stayed.

Then when we were away for a weekend – he threw me down a staircase, came down and actually kicked me to and through the door. It was about 4am and it was the middle of nowhere.

With ripped and bloodied clothing and unable to stand up straight, I stumbled around the countryside till someone found and took pity on me.

I terminated the relationship.

The following month I found I was pregnant. Having had miscarriages before, I would not even consider a termination. I had my own place, a good job and money in the bank. I was determined to go it alone.

When he came to hear of the pregnancy he wanted us to get back together, I refused.

Then he booked himself into counseling He said he recognized he had a problem with deep seated rage . He even asked if I would go with him… for the child’s sake.

And so I spent every Saturday of my pregnancy accompanying him to Harley Street and watching him work through his problem.
I asked him to move in with me the week before the baby was born.

When I noticed evidence of other women (easy – she was on my sofa drinking my wine) the handclawing returned.

We were back on the treadmill with me keeping the noise down.

Then finally he threw me out of a moving car.

I left the relationship for good taking my child with me.

I’ve been out of that relationship for 5 years now.

The reason why I have written this difficult blog is that it has come to my attention that a certain person is being battered by their spouse.

That person doesn’t think I know and if I confronted them would be embarrassed and ashamed that such a thing could be happening to them. They are ‘keeping the noise down’ and changing themselves in a vain attempt to fix the situation..

They appear to the world as outgoing, strong…feisty even. HOW could a person like THAT be in a situation that only weak people get into?!

I am sharing this because it happened to ME. Not because I was stupid or weak – but because someone else was. I took on board full responsibility for my ex’s weaknesses and insecurities and thought if I changed or modified MY behavior I could fix it

I am writing this blog because you can’t fix someone who is broken.

I am writing this blog because you should not be embarrassed and cover up something that YOU do not control.

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT AFTER THE FIRST BLOW.

Because there will always be another.

I am writing this blog for you.

And you know what you MUST do.