Blog 20 Bikini is STILL two exploded island

Okay, we all know the history...

Bikini Island is well-known for being an atoll in the Micronesian Islands that was subject of nuclear bomb tests, which split the islands in 1946.Nevermind that the split was rather messy and lumpy: a two-piece swimsuit was introduced within days of the first nuclear test. They gave the costume the name of the island and was widely advertised as the "smallest bathing suit in the world", it was said that the bikini "split the atoll". The Bikini has become synominous with the symmetry of top and bottom.

And ever since women live in fear when warmer days approach as they know that the split is now two types of women... the bikini ready and the sarong wearers. No matter what we ay... none of us want to be wrapped in sarong.

As warmer days approach I flick back through photos of summers past and wonder...will I ever regain the shape I paraded in summers past? I fool myself into thinking I am perfectly bikini-fine... I just need to tone up a little. As long as it does not include actual hard work on my part!

Out comes the slendertone belt and I fill myself with enough electric voltage to power a small village. Now these things work.. they work to define your abdomen while you are stationary.. so I lie in front of the TV, convulsing and desperately trying NOT to spill my wine. I check and recheck the results... it becomes clear all I have achieved is highly defined blubber....so back in the box goes the slendertone belt.

Realising (as in previous years) that there is no shortcut and the old equation of more exercise and less food is the only option, I scout around for yet another quick fix.

A quick trip to the chemist and I have a fortnights worth of diet pills..."Eat normally and lose 5lbs in days!” Must be a misprint on the label as I lost £5 alright!... in CASH! The jelly belly remains.

Reluctant to give up food (my one and only faithful true love...satisfaction guaranteed)... it seems I will have to exercise. But again... how can I do this without that whole go to the gym crap that means I will have to buy lycra before even I am ready to see that sight! Of course... stop using the Wii board to snowboard with the party rabbids and use it to get Wii Fit! The board claims to have accelerometers and motion sensors inside the deck allowing you to transform from Miss Nap-on-the sofa to Mrs Rednap all in the privacy of your living room.

£70 down... and I am back to snowboarding with party rabbids... it was all too complicated for me. Plus I felt vaguely ridiculous using a child’s toy to transform from anything other than a stressed out adult to a fun person.

It begins to dawn on me that 3 large meals a day and copious snacking was probably a contributory factor to my increase in size since the previous summer. Whether I liked it or not my food intake would have to be reduced. Maybe I should just cut out the snacks. This started well.. I had no post breakfast nibbles, no prelunch tidbits, same for post lunch and pre and post dinner. I couldn't understand why I was no a superwaif... till I had a friend over for lunch who said they could not eat all of the salad I had prepared. I thought maybe she didn't like salad.. till it dawned on my I had tripled the portions! No chance of shedding a lb with a plate containing lettuce, baby tomatoes, spring onion, eggs, ham, chorizo, salmon, olives, baby new potatoes and enough ranch dressing to fill a cowboy boot. As lunch is my lightest meal of the day...I won't even bother to tell you about the emperor size breakfast or the eat all you can dinner!

I am now ready to move onto quick fix dieting where you can lose half your body weigh in a week and by the time returning to normal eating habits catches up with you...summer will be over. Hardest bit here was deciding which one.. there are so many... cabbage soup, grapefruit, Scarsdale and the scientific sounding metabolism diet. In the end I went for Scarsdale at to me it sounded like a down-to earth northern village.. I can imagine sensible people come from a place like Scarsdale.

In the end though.. the rules got me.. the rules. Drink at least 4 glasses of water or diet soda per Day. You can add the following to your foods: herbs, salt, pepper, lemon, vinegar, Worcestershire, soy sauce, mustard & ketchup. Now I could do the 4 glasses of water (which I changed into diet tonic water so I could kid myself I was drinking Vodka and Tonic)... and I had no problem adding condiments.. but did they really think I could survive a day on

1/2 grapefruit a bowl of fruit salad and a hamburger (without bread) with all the cooked vegetables I desired? I found out the hard way that this simply wasn't for me. I stuck to the meal plans alright but I got so hungry I'd fill up on the condiments! It was when security were called to escort me out of IKEA because I stood gulping from the mustard and ketchup dispensers as if they were water I realised this diet was not as down to earth as it sounded.

More practical came the idea of dropping a whole dress size by swapping 2 meals for my favourite breakfast cereal. I know real people who through eating 2 bowls of cereals and a meal at night have managed to do up jeans that only a wild optimist should have bought. Who would know that 2 bowls a day of Oats so Simple would give me more sugar and saturates than I would normally EVER consume! I gained 3lb.

Disheartened with this I returned to my first port of call...exercise. I have unique and vanity lead problems with exercising... it just all so... active. I didn't want to go running...as well...you are RUNNING... in the STREET...for NO REASON! Nooo. Swimming's great but what you gain in the pool body-wise you lose with the damage the cholrine does to your hair, The gym was out as I didn't want all those size 6 gym bunnies looking at my wobbly bits... so it was time get SERIOUS.

This time my solution was sound. I was gonna pump it, I was gonna burn it... but above all I was gonna lose it. Jelly Belly be gone! Come here bikini...I'm gonna be HOT this summer. Like I said... the idea was sound.... Ministry Of Sound: The Ultimate Workout DVD! What is great is that there are no witnesses! Whilst my neighbours think I am moving furniture to the pounding club remixes... I am having a secret 70 minute aerobic extravaganza in my living room. Just me, some bird of the call on me video and Kelly Brook!

I'd love to report that as a consequence I am now a size 8 and have just been to Escada on spent £300 on the Pacific Paradise Bikini...such is my joy in my new bod! But I can't and I won't lie to you...maybe I've lost the odd lb from the fact I am so knackered after a session I just need a cold drink and a fag! So maybe the snacking is down a tad. But there is something about shaking your booty that just makes you giddy with happiness.

To be honest, learning the dance routines on the video that is so far removed from purging myself that I kind of forgot about the whole bikini thing. I just like doing it cause it makes me laugh... and you know what...if I say so myself... I've got them routine down.

So in keeping with the original Bikini... I will be wearing mine this summer with both ends showing a slight explosion... in size at least! But when night falls and the euro trash fill the nightspots... them skinny-minnies best sit down... cause this gal is gonna DANCE!!!